Theory [TOM HOLLAND]

THIRTY FIVE

twitter messages

tomholland1996
AHaHaHAhHAHA

tomholland1996
THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME

tomholland1996
I KNEW YOU LIKED MY BUTT

mjsantiago
your butt is gross shut up

tomholland1996
THAT WAS SUCH AN UNCONVINCING TEXT

tomholland1996
YOU DIDN'T EVEN THREATEN TO RIP ME FROM LIMB TO LIMB

tomholland1996
YOU LOOOOVE ME

mjsantiago
you have a cute butt

mjsantiago
*CUBE BUTT

tomholland1996
this is the best day of my life

mjsantiago
NO THAT WAS AUTOCORRECT I MEANT YOUR BUTT IS A SQUARE

mjsantiago
LEGO LOOKING ASS

tomholland1996
isn't that the guy from lord of the rings

mjsantiago
LEAVE ME ALONE

mjsantiago
CUBE BUTT

tomholland1996
*beautiful and flawlessly shaped butt

tomholland1996
-mel santiago, on tom holland's assets (2017)

tomholland1996
haha ASSets

mjsantiago
i hate you with every inch of my being

tomholland1996
that's not a lot of inches

mjsantiago
neither is your dick

tomholland1996
mel you have to stop being so sweet or i'm going to fall in love with you

mjsantiago
if you weren't 375 miles away i would string up your entrails on a flag pole

tomholland1996
wait did you look up exactly how many miles there are between berkeley and los angeles

mjsantiago
no

tomholland1996
HA YOU DID

tomholland1996
YOU'RE GOING TO MISS ME

tomholland1996

mjsantiago
no it was to see how far i would be from june

tomholland1996

mjsantiago
never speak to me again

tomholland1996
this is a whole new level to our relationship

tomholland1996
i'm thinking we open a joint bank account together

tomholland1996
or get his and hers bathrobes

tomholland1996
maybe spoon feed each other pudding

mjsantiago
send me one more text about our future together and i'll block you

tomholland1996
how do you feel about matching infinity symbol tattoos

you can no longer send messages to @mjsantiago!

─

incoming call from tom!
accept or decline

"did you block me on twitter?"

"i did warn you."

"well, you still answered my call, so in the eyes of the law we are married."

"do you want me to replace all your vital fluids with ranch dressing?"

"do you want to go to an awards show with me tomorrow night?"

"uh, where did that come from?"

"i'm allowed to bring a guest and harrison has strep throat."

"harrison is fine. i saw him on set today."

"no, he's not—look, i'll put him on—here—"

"..."

"hey, mel, it's haz. i have the flu—ow!—strep throat, so you should go to the awards show with tom."

"hear that, mel?"

"you're getting an award? what is it? worst harmonica player?"

"hey! you did listen to the recording i sent you!"

"yeah, i sent it in to the cia so they can use it to torture suspects during interrogation."

"well, i'm hurt."

"...is that a yes to the awards show though?"

"do i have to dress up?"

"you have to wear something other than your carl sagan pajamas, yes."

"what kind of event is this? sounds like some real bullshit."

"they're going to have a chocolate fountain."

"..."

"see you there."

"awesome! i'll pick you up at eight."

"i didn't know you were legally allowed to drive."

"i'm an adult! this is so unfair! i-"

call ended 4:55 pm

AUTHOR'S NOTE: sing it with me kids: 🎶who lives in london and has zero chill—THOMAS STANLEY HOLLAND🎶 (to the tune of spongebob squarepants)