Reckless

Chapter Two ; Night Terrors

It’s been six weeks since I ran away. Six weeks of waking up drenched in sweat with haunted memories of Liam, the blood, the anger he had. I could never forgive myself for what had happened to him. The guilt was eating me alive and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t seem to break free from the grip it had on my heart. Tonight, was no different from the others, I sat up in my small bed, cold sweat dripping from my face. I tugged my blanket around myself, I tried to calm my ragged breathing. “It was just another dream… another terrible dream…” I whispered to myself. I slipped from my bed and made my way over to my tiny bathroom; flipping on the cool water and splashing it on my face. The icy temperature snapped me back to reality. As I wiped the water from my cheeks I couldn’t help but make note of the girl looking back at me in the mirror. She couldn’t be me, her skin was pale and there were dark circles under her eyes. Her thin frame from lack of proper nutrition was swimming in the t-shirt she had slept in. I refused to believe that it was me.

Trying my best to clear my head, I made my way to the kitchen for my normal post night terror routine. I put the kettle on the stove and leaned against the counter, zoning in and out as I waited for the loud whistle. Every night I would get around three hours of sleep, the rest of the night I spent my time reading and drinking tea. The loud whistle from the kettle brought me back to the foggy state that was my current reality. I let out a soft sign as I poured the steaming water from the kettle and tossed in a tea bag, the warmth from the cup radiating up my arms. I made my way over to the small arm chair that sat in the corner of the room; my shrinking frame sinking into its comforting hold.

These long nights gave me plenty of time to wallow in my guilt and self-loathing. Every night those last moments with Liam would flood my brain. Why did I just leave him like that? I should have stayed with him and gotten him to a hospital. The look in his eyes flashes in my mind again, the pure anger they had towards me. He was so angry, and I couldn’t blame him, I had gotten him shot! I could feel my fingernails digging into the palms of my hands as my mind wandered through the memories. My mind flashes back to the intense amount of fear that day, the way my heart was pounding unevenly in my chest. I think back to the one night the guilt and sadness had gotten the best of me and I had called Lacy from a payphone near work. She told me that Liam was okay and that he was looking for me. I couldn’t believe that though, as much as I wanted to believe he still loved me after all the problems I had caused I knew that was impossible. She begged me to come home, but I quickly hung up the phone before she could say anymore. It was better for them this way, I only seemed to cause problems where ever I went.

Warm tears spilled down my cheeks as I thought back on all the good times I had before. Why did I have to be so fucked in the head? If I was just a normal girl I would be waking up to Liam every morning instead of the horrors of that day replaying nightly. My parents had been right all along, I had been worthless to everyone.

As much as I hated the cold solitude that I was lost in, but this is where I deserved to be, no one could get hurt if I kept to myself. No one, but me anyways.

I spent the rest of my morning and afternoon cleaning the tiny one-bedroom apartment and working on a few assignments from my online classes. I’m not even sure you could call it a bedroom; the living room bedroom and kitchen were all jammed in one tiny room. The only other room was the bathroom that housed a tiny standup shower, toilet and sink. It was only me though, so I didn’t need much. After hitting send on an email to turn in my last assignment for the day I hopped into the shower to wash away the nightmares from last night. The hot water was comforting, Portland was a lot colder in December than what I was used to back home, so anything warm became a safe haven for me.

Evening began to settle in the sky and it was time to head to work. I bundled up tightly in the warmest jacket I had before heading out to the street. About a week after I arrived in Portland I landed myself a job at a small local bar. It was only about two blocks from my apartment so every evening I would bundle up and face the elements to walk to two blocks. The warm air hit my face as I stepped into the dark smoky bar, it wasn’t much really, a small bar area lined one wall and tables scattered throughout the other side. In the back there were a couple of pool tables but that was pretty much it. The bar customers were mostly older regulars. A few of them were friendly but most of them just kept to themselves.

I took my place behind the bar and began straightening things up some. The guy that owned the bar had a terrible time keeping things organized and it seemed like it had only gotten worse the longer I worked there. I think he got used to me picking up after him. After about twenty minutes of cleaning I am able to slide into my routine; serve drinks and clean glasses. The job didn’t pay the best, but it was enough to cover my bills, so I couldn’t complain.

I let my eyes linger over the people in the bar, being alone all the time made being around people so strange. My mind began to wander, I wonder what their story is and why they seem to be drinking away their struggles. Sometimes I wanted to drink my weight in alcohol and rid my mind of all those thoughts, but I knew it wouldn’t help anything. The next morning, I would wake up with a hangover and more depressed than ever.

On top of the usual depression, Christmas was coming soon, and this would be the first year since I was a child that I would be all alone. I couldn’t fight off the horrible thought of spending the holidays alone; Thanksgiving had been bad enough. Gran had wanted me to come home but knowing I couldn’t face her after all these lies I just added another lie to the stack and told her that I couldn’t get off from work. The sadness that I had been experiencing was the kind that dug deep into your soul; leaving me in a dark place and there was no way I was going to let myself drag those I care about down with me.