Reckless

Chapter 21 ; Love Sick

Chapter 21 ; Love Sick

My body shot up from the mattress, my chest felt tight and sweat was pouring down my face. Desperately I felt around for the waste basket beside the bed, finding it just in time for my body to involuntarily empty its stomach contents into the basket. The images of Sam with some other guy flashed back through my mind, replaying my nightmare. All of it had felt so real, the way she smiled, the way he wrapped his arms around her. There was no way I could go back to sleep after that, so I peeled my body off the sheets and made my way to the bathroom. A rough groan escaped my chest as I flipped the bathroom light and felt my eyes snap shut. My stomach began to churn and tighten again, quickly I took a few deep breaths trying my best to keep from getting sick again. I’m not sure if it was the guilt or the heart break but whatever it was felt like it was trying to kill me. I kicked on the hot water, waiting for steam to start to fill the room before I stepped in. The scalding water beat against my back and after a few seconds I could feel the heat turning my skin red. My tense muscles in my back relaxed slightly; I leaned forward resting my forehead against the cold tile of the shower. The cold tile cooled my aching head. 

It had been three days since I had told Sam I needed a break from us. My stomach still twisted and turned as I thought about what I had done to her; to us. I needed to talk to her and explain everything. She had to understand, because if she didn’t I don’t know what I would do. As much as I liked to pretend she hadn’t changed me that much there was no denying what she does to me. There was still this internal struggle with the choices I had made. I needed this plan to work because from where I was standing it was the only chance I had to end all of this – once and for all. There was no way I could let my father get away with what he had done and at the same time I needed to protect Sam. So, when I came up with the plan to take a break it wasn’t a decision I had taken lightly. When it came to him I needed to be smart, I needed to be on my toes because so far, he had been a few steps ahead of me. With her by my side that was impossible. She was the love of my life and when she was around she was my only concern. My choices were clouded, and I couldn’t handle all of these dark details knowing she was right there. Not only did the thought of her seeing me do these things make feel guilty, like she would finally see me for what I really am but I also didn’t want to taint her. The break was only to separate myself from her long enough for me to think straight. To use my brain instead of my heart. Only a few days in and I had made myself physically sick. I needed it to look real though. All her emotions needed to be genuine or he wouldn’t believe it. He would know it was all a show and he would destroy my plan. So, I had to make a choice and right now I was regretting it. I might just have made the biggest mistake of my life.

I finished my shower when the scalding water had been reduced to an icey stream. Today I was going back to the house, I had to take more groceries and go over the plan for when classes started back. Maybe talking to her would make her see I still care. Again, my brain was stuck on her which put my plan on the back burner for the moment because all I could think about was getting to see her again. Then the guilt I felt began to creep back in. I knew that Sam was delicate, she had been through so much in her life. The one person who she trusted her just kicked her to the curb like it was nothing. What if I broke her? I though as I quickly started to get dressed. The thought of causing her more trauma was something I hadn’t really processed. Sure, I knew she would be sad and upset but I didn’t even consider the emotional damage I could be doing to her. I quickly shook my head as if I could push those thoughts from my head. “She’s stronger than that… I know she is…” Even though I tried my best to believe those words I knew there was a chance that she wouldn’t be able to handle it. I wanted to believe that I hadn’t just destroyed the most important person in my life but the more I thought about it the more the reality seemed to tug at my conscience.