Reckless

Chapter 22 ; Hurt

Chapter 22 ;

It was like the blood completely left my cheeks, I could feel it drain away as my eyes met his. My body locked up and the book I had been reading crashed to the floor at my feet. Since I had slipped off to Gram’s I had been living in a made-up world where I could pretend that I lived a very normal and happy life. For just awhile I could pretend to be happy and ignore dealing with that heartache but now the pain began to flood my chest once again as he stood there in front of me. I tried my best to snap out of this shocked trance I was in but it only got worse. The air felt as if it had been sucked right out of my lungs leaving me gasping like a fish out of water. I felt his warm hands on my cheeks as he tried to hush the soft sounds escaping my mouth. All of that pain and sadness I had bottled up somewhere inside me burst – leaving me drowning in all the heartbreak. I couldn’t move, speak or think and the only thing my brain could register was that Liam had stepped inside and closed the door behind him.

“Shhh…” his deep voice hummed thought the air as he took me into his arms. His touch only made it worse, sending me deeper into this pool of emotional wreckage. My body was shaking, and I began to panic, trying to push him away from me. His touch reminded me of what I loved, and it was like pouring salt into a fresh wound. “Please let go of me...” I begged softly as my hands pressed against his firm body. “Sam…” He slowly let go of me, his hands lingering on mine before he completely pulled back. My mind went back to the day he told me he couldn’t deal with us – with me. The way it was so easy for him to say those things and walk away from me. Did he even care about me at all? He had told me so many times how important I was to him and how he needed me but if those things were true, he wouldn’t have been able to walk away so effortlessly. My feet shuffled across the floor as if they were on auto pilot, I needed space and I needed to sit down because suddenly I felt like I couldn’t hold up my own weight. Once I was across the room from him, I let myself slide down into the armchair, pulling my legs up to my chest. I sat there in silence for a few minutes, trying my best to get myself under some kind of control. Each breath I took didn’t seem to be enough, I still felt out of breath. “What are you doing here?” the words seemed to come out of my mouth with little to no thought. Even though I had finally spoke to him I kept my eyes locked on the floor, I knew deep down that if I looked at him again that I would be bombarded with the sadness and I couldn’t deal with that right now. I needed control.

“I had to see you. I have to explain…” My head shot up as I could hear him take a few steps towards me. My hands flew up, “Please don’t…just…” I rambled, my hands still up as if they held some power to keep him away from me. “Sam please just hear me out… I know I fucked up.” My effort to keep him away wasn’t working because in the flash of second, he was in front of me again. He dropped to his knees in front of my chair, doing his best to keep my eyes focused on him. He was my weakness and he knew it. “Sam you have to listen to me.” He demanded but I could hear the sadness in his voice. Part of me wanted to make him leave so I could go back to my imaginary world and ignore all my troubles but the other part inside me fought tooth and nail to get me to hear me out. There was still a part of me though that couldn’t stop replaying the moment he walked away from me over and over again in the back of my head. “I don’t think this is a good idea Liam.” The words were cracked and muddled together as they came out of my mouth.

“No…listen I messed up, but I won’t let you go without a fight.” He reached for my hand, but I quickly jerked it away as a loud laugh exploded from my mouth. “You won’t let me go? Really? You already did!” I yelled as I jumped up from my seat and pushed past him. How dare he act like he didn’t break up with me already? Did he bump his head? Was he delusional? All the questions rushed through my head and I bolted up the stairs to my room. I needed to get away, I needed to breathe.BREATHE SAM, BREATHE – my brain kept yelling, but it was like my body forgot how. The walls were crowding in around me as I slammed the door shut.No, no, no! Keep yourself together - my brain yelled but it was too late. My lungs wheezed for air as I let my body slide down the bedroom wall. Everything around me was spinning uncontrollably. I knew this feeling so well. Panic attack. I hadn’t had a panic attack in so long but now I was crashing – everything began to crumble around me and then everything went black.