pure fiction // ziam

twenty nine

I look at the clock and see that it's 6:30 in the morning and the sun is rising.

I just spent the entire night awake, I couldn't get any sleep. My thoughts got the best of me and I couldn't handle closing my eyes for a second without having thoughts of Niall and Liam waking me up. They're all I think about.

Niall kissed me and he confessed his feelings for me and I don't have the slightest idea how I feel about him. I also kissed him back which means something, but the two questions still remain unanswered: Did I kiss back because I felt something for him or did I kiss back because I had to? I really wish it was just a simple "Oh I only kissed you back because of reflexes haha, I'm sorry" or something because I can't deal with this stopping me from being with Liam.

Liam has been my boyfriend for almost two months now and he's been the only one that has treated me right and not fucked me over. But now the tables have turned and I'm the one fucking him over. Shit. Just when I thought I finally found someone to potentially spend the rest of my life with and to share every moment with, this bullshit had to come crashing in. Liam is literally a living, breathing ray of sunshine and he does not deserve any of this. Liam deserves happy, and I want to give him happy, but it seems that right now, all I'm giving him is pain. He deserves the equal amount of love and kindness and care that he gives out to people, he shouldn't have to feel unloved by anyone because he never does anything to intentionally hurt someone's feelings. Dammit. Liam why do you have to be so perfect?

I hear the phone ring and see that it's Liam.

"Hey"

"Hey baby boy"

I don't deserve to be called that anymore.

"What's up?"

"I'm outside ready to take you to school"

My eyes widen and look out the window, and sure enough Liam was standing outside with his car.

"Wait what time is it?"

"Seven fifteen"

Shit, did I just really almost spent an entire hour thinking about what the hell am I going to do with my life today.

"I haven't even showered"

"Well hurry up then, I'll be waiting"

Liam hangs up and I let the sight of him distract me from my thoughts. Such a beautiful human being, sculpted by the gods themselves, does not deserve such impending despair.

• • • • •

The entire car ride was in silence but Liam couldn't contain his excitement ridden face, he is obviously too proud of his Valentine's day gift for me. And I don't deserve it, no portion of it. I can't take a gift from someone who I am going to end up shattering into a million pieces, that's just not right.

"Zayn!" I heard my name being called and I noticed it was Niall.

"I'll be right back" I said and left Liam alone in the bench.

When I go over to Niall I can see the bags under his eyes and how fucked up he looks, his eyes have lost that glimmer they always have. Now all you see is a dark and empty soul taking the place of the life that there once was.

"Niall what the hell?"

"What?"

"Your face...you don't look good at all"

"Well I've been trying to cope with my stupidity and this is the only way I know how" Niall says and he shows me the water bottle in hand.

"Is that... Niall have you been drinking?"

"I don't know Zayn, is the sky blue?"

"Dammit Niall," and I punch him in the shoulder, he deserves it for everything he has done in the past 24 hours, "you don't have to drown yourself in alcohol to make yourself feel better"

"It's not to make myself feel better, drinking helps me numb the feeling. I know deep down that I'm still not 'okay' or 'better' this is just a way for me to oppress those feelings and make sure they don't surface."

I stare blankly at Niall. He shouldn't have to do this.

"Still... you don't have to drink to cope"

"Well I did it, what are you gonna do now?" Niall said and took a sip of the beverage in the bottle, "Well if we're just gonna waste our time here battering about the same topic then I should make my dramatic exit"

With that, Niall put on his sunglasses and went inside the school building. I could feel the guilt creep up it's way around my body, and the anger along with a hint of worry. I can't believe I'm the cause of all this, that I am the reason that Niall is killing himself with alcohol and that Liam is going to be back in that dark abyss. It's like the universe gave me the job of fucking everyone over, making sure to walk into their lives and find the perfect way to trigger a bomb that will set off their collapse. Why couldn't I get the job of making sure that everyone was content? I would much rather be making people smile than to be the reason why they might end up killing themselves.

"Zayn you okay?"

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I was shaken by the surprise feeling. I turn around and see that it's Liam and the sun is shining down so perfectly on his face that you can see his dark chocolate eyes turn into light milky chocolate and the rest of his face gets this highlight that defines his features even more, from the way his jawline is apparently so perfectly in line with the rest of his face and the plump look on his lips.

Fucking hell.

"Yeah I'm fine, we should probably get inside. We don't want to be late" I said in response. It was an obvious lie and I think Liam caught on since he stood there for a second—staring at me with that look that says 'I know you're lying' —before nodding and holding out his hand for me to intertwine with, even though I don't deserve it.

"Today is going to be a great day Zayn, just wait"