pure fiction // ziam

sixty

A full two weeks has passed by since what happened during the party. I still haven't told Toby, the only person to know about this is Gigi (Zayn has yet to talk to me about it for some weird reason), and the guilt is starting to slowly eat me alive. Knowing that I cheated just makes me feel dirty, like no matter how hard I try to "wash away" the feeling of dirtiness, it just won't come off. I'm starting to feel like I'm drowning in my own thoughts of selfishness. I'm not even thinking about how the outside feels about this, I'm just thinking about myself right now.

I wish I had a button that would give me a do over of that night and maybe I could have avoided stooping to low levels of pettiness. I regret—nope that's a lie. I don't regret a single part of it. I loved every kiss, moan, sucking, biting, and orgasm during that night. All because of Zayn fucking Malik, that sexy beautiful god sent as a gift from the gods themselves. I would never imagine myself getting this lucky with a guy that loves me this much.

But do I love him as much?

It seems as if I'm trying to push him away but I'm only doing it for my mental health, I couldn't stay in a toxic relationship, it would have killed me before I could process the whole situation. I love Zayn too much it hurts not having him around but I also really like Toby and how romantic and compassionate he is. While Zayn is just pure perfection, he walks into a room and everyone stops to stare at the piece of work, and he knows he's perfect. Mainly because I tell him. Or used to tell him.

How fucked up am I to just dump Toby and go run back to Zayn?

Maybe I should just take some me time and stay single for a while and have endless one night stands until I'm ready to settle down. Everyone does that, so why can't I? Maybe it's because I get easily attached and try to hold on to every little piece of someone as if my life depended on it.

I'm never going to get over Zayn aren't I?