pure fiction // ziam

forty one

( second monologue incoming... )

liam's p.o.v

Missing someone who hurt you a million times over is so fucking stupid. Like it's not even something minor like a little white lie just to genuinely protect me. No. It was like an entire movie scene. Something of pure fiction, the kind you only see in books or TV shows. And yet I miss him... and I still want him. But I can't and I shan't. I will not cross over that line where I purposely destroy myself just because of a boy. But I love him still, with all the stars in the sky and the distance it takes to get to them. Hell, if I had to kill anyone to be with him, I would.

But I can't. It's for the benefit of my sanity.

Yet I still wonder how he's doing, how he's feeling. Does he regret his choices? Does he want to get back together with me? Does he want to grovel and beg for my forgiveness? Does he want to shower me with unconditional love? I don't know--and I don't I'll ever know the answer to these intruding consistent thoughts that take over my mind every single fucking day. But it's okay--at least I think it is--since I have the negativity out of my life.

But is it really negativity? Or just an honest fuck up?

I wonder that every day, did Zayn meant to intentionally hurt me or was it all just an honest mistake? But I can't sympathize with the enemy, that means he wins. But... is he really the enemy? Or is it the people that he cheated on me with? I don't know and I will never know because I haven't talked to Zayn--as in a proper, civil conversation--since February 21, 3:54pm when I left him in the parking lot of that strip mall. Did I feel bad at the time? No. Now? Eh... just a little bit. It all just happened, like I didn't even think about doing it--I just... did it.

I regret letting him go though.

Although I shouldn't be thinking this, regret letting him go. I can't even look at him without wanting to punch him in the face. But at the same time I also want to kiss him and make sure he's okay. Dammit Liam, why do you feel so conflicted about this? A regular person--someone with a sane mind--would immediately just cut him off AND forget about him entirely, no doubt about it. But me being Liam, I can't forget about him. Being with Zayn was fucking magical. It's like taking a dog over the rainbow. It doesn't make sense but at the same time you just think about how perfect that would be. That's how it felt with Zayn, it didn't have an exact explanation as to how perfect it was.

And I wish I could be with him, holding him in my arms... the smell of his apricot shampoo in his hair, the taste of his cherry chapstick, the feeling of his warm hands in intertwined with mine, I want all of it back... for some reason and I don't exactly know why.

Everyone tells me that I am better off without Zayn but then again, my friends are his friends so whose side are they really on? Are there even sides to pick? Everyone would choose Zayn's side, I'm just the new kid that managed to squeeze his way into a group of people that treat me with love and care, everyone have known each other for far longer, so they feel more trusting towards Zayn. The only reasons I could think of as to why they still talk to me is 1) pity or 2) sympathy or 3) no one likes to see the depressed kid, depressed.

But maybe that's my destiny--even though I'm not much on that idea--that I'm destined to always be alone, to never find true happiness, to never grasping the idea of being sane.

To love the people that hurt me.

Fuck, why do I do this to myself.

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who else hates it when the author uses the title of the book/song references as part of the story?