pure fiction // ziam

eighty one

"That's gonna be $40"

"Woah woah, why the price change?"

"The economy is down, gotta pay for necessities somehow. You got the money?"

"Yes of course I do"

"Glad doing business with you. Same time next week?"

"Yeah"

"Alright, til then Harry"

"...Right"

I watch him drive off in his car and I'm left here with a bottle of vodka. I feel my phone vibrate and see it's the group chat wondering where I am. If only they knew.

I take my car back home. Empty. Everyone decided to have a family trip and exclude me from it.

What's funny is that I saw them all leave me behind. To "spare me from the pain" they all decided to sneak out during the middle of the night and go on their trip, but I was actually awake binge watching a show on Netflix. I heard the doors of the car close and I look out my window to see my parents and my sister in the car driving off without me.

That was two days ago.

I look at the bottle of vodka, it's screaming for me to consume all of it.

I've been doing this for the past two months or so. I ask an older friend to go out and buy me a bottle, and pay him a small amount, and I consume the alcohol. It's pretty simple.

Why? Because I feel too much. Drinking makes me numb to my emotions and I forget how to feel anything. It's the best version of me there could be. Drunk Harry is the best Harry. Everyone loves him, he's fun, wild, adventurous, funny, the life of the party. But most importantly, he doesn't care about anything.

When I'm drunk, all sense of rationality and thought are gone and I act on impulse of what I really want, without thinking it twice, and I love that. When I'm sober, getting what I really want is such a struggle because I doubt myself the entire time thinking if I should do something or not even though I really want to. And my emotions. Oh, my emotions. Since everything blurred, all my emotions are blurred. So if I feel anything, I won't really feel it. Everything is just... gone.

That's what I like about it.

I open the bottle and drink straight from it. Usually I drag out the contents of the bottle to last me a week until I can get another one, but right now... I feel empty and I don't want to feel that pit of darkness build inside me.

Ironically, it feels satisfying not feeling anything.