The General Store

Chapter 22: If I Were To Die

'I haven't got long, Johnno and I, well, my battalion have twelve hours off before a big advance in a few days.' Pat explained as we wondered into the jungle as the rain began to stop.
'But aren't we leaving next week?' I questioned, confused.
'The army aren't letting us go until after the advance, so, as soon as it's finished, and everything has settled, I promise, Johnno, Penny, you and I will be out of here.' he guaranteed. I fell quiet, unsure what to think, I closed my eyes as I became overwhelmed with uncertainty.
'What's going on Murph?' Pat gripped my hand a little tighter.
'I'm scared Patrick, you think you have time, you think that everything will just fall into place, what if it doesn't? what if it takes this drastic turn and what if everything you've ever worked for or dreamed for just slips form your grasp!' I could hear the anger in my voice.
'That's a lot of what ifs in one sentence Brooklyn.' Pat's face was serious, his lips pursed and eyes shadowed.
'It's true though Patrick, you're so naïve! You might not come back! You might get a bullet to the head like poor old Jarrah or a machete to the chest, your guts might fall out like Leo's or your skin might get singed off by napalm. I've seen it, I've seen it all, no matter how hard you try an escape it you'll just end up in the firing line.' I slammed my fist against my thigh in frustration.
'You don't think I've seen it too?! You don't think I've held a dying man in my arms? You don't think I've been close to being dead? I was shot remember, I punctured my lung, I could have easily died that day because I was so naïve that I picked up my brother before I picked up myself. I could've nearly died laying out the detonator cord that day because I was so naïve to put my hand up to do it. I was so naïve that I closed my eyes to sleep last night.' Pat swallowed hard.
'What's your point?' I yelled.
'That every single person in this fucking jungle is naïve, you were naïve enough to agree to come here, that bloke you nursed the other day, he was naïve enough to go into battle. Don't you get it? Every person is going to die, maybe not in the flesh but the people we were before, have gone, they don't exist anymore.' Pat's eyes flared.
'It's worse here Patrick, you see the light in their eyes fade away, you see it go-'
'This isn't a competition Brooklyn.' He snarled. I put my head in my hands, my cheeks were hot and neither of us had noticed that the rain had stopped.
'If I were to die, you'd be the last person I'd think of, I'd pray I was in your arms but life's a bitch Brooklyn Murphy, life's a bitch but it's also insanely beautiful, so if I'm going to throw it all away I reckon I'd feel better if I did it all at once, my cricket career and you, I don't want to hurt you Brooklyn so I'll make it quick.' I could see the muscles in his face fighting back the angry tears that were emerging in his eyes.
I was shocked; 'You're not.'
'Maybe not, but I guess,' he scoffed, 'you're too experienced to find out.'

"If I were to die"
His words echoed in my head for days after that stupid argument. All of a sudden all I could think about was what I could've done to avoid it, to prevent the entire thing happening. I took every night shift I could because I found myself staring at the photograph of us or into the darkness. I needed to keep busy, but nothing helped. Nothing took him out of my mind and deep I knew he said what he said because he was angry but maybe it was a sign. I was a professional over-thinker, it was as simple as that.

I woke up one morning about a week later feeling ill, my head was pounding and I had chills up and down my arms. Assuming it was just tiredness, I threw on my uniform and two aspirin down my throat. The sun shone bright over the camp and everyone was bustling around doing their morning duties. I felt cold, like a chilling wind was thrashing at my body, I crossed my arms on my chest and trundled into recovery.
'Good morning Brookie, how are you sweet pea?' Penny hugged me close.
'I'm freezing Pen,' I said. 'Can't seem to get warm.'
'It's like 29 degrees outside, that's beautiful weather, maybe you're coming down with something.' She pressed her hand against my forehead.
'No you're definitely Cold, I'll get the doctor to have a look.' She smiled softly.
'Sister Brooklyn Murphy.' A voice boomed. 'Yes sir?' I shook.
'Please come this way.' He ordered, his voice rattling my bones. I followed him out the door and I was handed a yellow card. The man watched as I peeled open the envelope, my fingers twitching. With shaking hands I held the card, reading the script line for line.

"Carmondy reported M.I.A presumed dead. Not been seen or heard from in 48 hours."

I swear my heart stopped. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak but boy did I scream.
'No! God no!' I sunk to my knees, throwing my head back in distress.
'I'm sorry Ma'am, we are doing all that we can.' The man stomped away leaving me screaming to the sky.
'Brooklyn!' Penny was pale as she saw the telegram in the mud. She read it and her hand covered her mouth in astonishment.
'This is worse than dead, the unknown, the unknown!' I cried out.
'They'll find him Brooklyn they will.' Penny held me tight.
'We spent our last hours together, yelling, arguing, fighting over such a stupid thing! I will never ever forgive myself!' I bawled, tears trickled like salty rivers down my dirty cheeks.
How could God do this? Maybe he was teaching us both a lesson, maybe he was telling us to not be so stubborn or maybe he just wanted Patrick all to himself.