BE HAYAAI KE NUQSAANAAT

Chapter 10 - Restlessness of the heart.

Dil Ki Be Cheni

(Restlessness Of The Heart)

"Meri zindagi ek bind kitaab hain,
Jis se aaj tik kisi ne khola nahi.
Jis ne khola us ne parha nahi,
Jis ne parha wo samja nahi,
Aur jo samaj saka wo mila nahi."

" My life is a closed book
which no one opened till today.
Whoever opened it, never read it. 
Whoever read it, never understood it and the one who is able to understand it, I have not yet found."

* * *

The curtains embattled against the wind. The dim moon light slithered into the room, casting a shadow on her sullen face.

Every time the wind blew from the open windows, encompassing her into its icy claws, the tiny hairs on her arm rose and a shiver travelled down her spine. A vortex of emotions swirled within her heart, her eye lashes moist with painful tears, sparkling droplets ran down her jaw and splattered on her night shirt.

The day she had committed that deplorable deed that displeased her Lord, grieved her parents and caused society to frown down upon her, the weather had been exactly the same as it was today.

She hardly left the house now, for wherever she went, she attracted unwanted attention towards her and her life story was an addition to the gossip mongers topics of discussion.

She was never one who people admired or praised, neither was she someone who people looked down upon, she was just another ordinary  girl who was living a very normal life, until she was entrapped in the snares of the devil. 

Now she was the new topic of discussion amongst her family and neighbourhood.

When she was once a single and carefree girl, she craved for attention and she envied those who received it, she yearned to be recognised and acknowledged, but never in her life did she imagine receiving attention for something shameful she had committed.
She now despised any sort of attention, she couldn't even lift her gaze and meet the eyes of people anymore.

The judgmental looks of people, their sneers, the disappointed glares from her family members and most of the adults of her family forbidding her  cousins to associate with her, fearing that their children  would be influenced in a bad way, only increased her already bleeding wounds.

Her eyes roved the ceiling above her, her mind memorized each and every carving and pattern on the ceiling.
Her heart ached in pain and loneliness as she stared above her for hours on end. Her life had become a monotonous routine and she found no serenity in her life.

She knew her trials were supposed to draw her closer to her Creator, yet they never did.

There was something looming in her heart that prevented her from turning to her Lord and she didn't know when she would ever overcome her insecurities and fears.

She was a coward and a person with a low self esteem , one who was never optimistic and always thought of the bad outcome instead of hoping and wishing for good. Her constant despair led her to severe depression and her severe depression is what forced her to attempt suicide.