No more dream

4: Memories

Flashback- Jungkook's POV

I was there sitting near the hospital bed with appa, where eomma laid. She had cancer, that horrible, incurable sickness, and all I did was cry. I cried, yet my hard pounding chest couldn't be satisfied. Eomma didn't want to see me cry, so she reassured me with words of lies that only my child innocence could fall for.

"Aigoo, my beautiful child," Eomma begins with a soft voice as she caresses my cheek, "I'll feel better soon if you stop crying."

"Jjinja?" I ask with genuine hope and as I wipe my tears.

"Jjinja." My mom reassures, smiling "I'm feeling better already."

I hug eomma as tight as I could and wouldn't let go. Her warmth was the comfort to my worries. She ruffles my hair, and that was when the nurse comes in.

"I have the results." The nurse spoke with a solemn expression. Eomma looks at the nurse, and back at me.

"Kookie, could you sit over there? We have to talk to the nurse." Eomma asks, pointing to the chair that was across the room.

"Why do I have to sit over there? Is something bad going to happen to you?" I ask as tears started to fill my eyes again.

She looked at me with sadness in her eyes, but hid it well with her smile. "Aniyo, nothing bad will happen."

"Arraseo, Kookie will sit in the chair!" I obliged as I go to the seat to make eomma happy.

-

Third person POV

"I'm sorry to say this.. but you only have four months to live." The nurse says, her gaze towards the ground.

"What?!" The husband exclaims, "Aniyo, this.. can't be true." He looks at his wife with tears in his eyes.

"I don't deserve to be your husband. I.. should've caught that you had cancer sooner! You could've been able to survive. I.. am such a fool." His voice cracks in between his sentences as his wife frowns subtly.

"It's not your fault." The wife responded gently to the husband.

"The only way to prolong her life is if she takes the chemo." The nurse jumps in to tell them.

"We'll take the chemo." The husband wanted to have her stay in this world for as long as possible. However, the wife has mixed feelings about it.

The longer she lived, the more pain she inputs into both her husband and her son. Especially since she lied to her son. But she wanted to make them happy, so she put her feelings aside and took the chemo.

-

Jungkook's POV

It's been a few months since eomma came to the hospital. She was right! But the thing was, ever since then, she became looking more tired than usual.

I saw them give eomma some medicine, but could that be why she seems more tired? Isn't it suppose to help her and not make her so.. fatigued like that? There was one time where I was walking with eomma to the park, and she had to take a lot of breaks, constantly sitting down on benches or pausing between walks.

I wondered so much about that one time when I actually asked her about it. "Eomma, why do you seem so tired?" She refrained from answering. She had pain inside that she didn't want to show me.

"Ahhh, I'm just stressed. It's nothing new." She ruffles my hair. "Do you want to drive to the store? We can get some ice cream."

"Are you sure..? Will you be okay?" I ask, with doubt.

"Gwenchana. Let's go." From there we head off.

We get in the car, we put on our seatbelts and the car starts to move. As we were driving, I saw that eomma was having trouble breathing. She opened the window, but it didn't help her.

"Eomma?" I looked at her, panicked. She.. fainted. "Eomma?!"

//CRASH

I bumped back into the seat due to the impact of the collision. There were spots of red, and there was red running down her face. I was helpless. I was clueless.

"EOMMA!!" I yell as tears roll down my face. The last thing I remember is the sound of sirens around the car.

-

My eyes flutter open and I realize that I'm on a hospital bed. White. Everything is white. The supposed pure color. I never wanted to come back here. I despised coming here because it reminds me of eomma's sickness.

..Eomma! Where is she? I look around, and she wasn't here. I just want to jump out of bed and find out where she is, but I didn't. I couldn't. It felt like I was strapped down, but I wasn't.

I lie there, not bothering to get up, staring at the ceiling. Minutes later, a nurse comes in to check on me.

"You're awake." She comes over, her heels clicking against the floor. "Your appa is in the other room."

She hands me a glass of water, but I barely drank. I had so many thoughts, so many assumptions about what happened to eomma. The nurse walks out, and I hear her speaking to someone.

"Your son is awake, but he can't move due to the shock of the accident." I heard the audible voice as I hear the footsteps go from loud to quiet. Appa walks in, and he had a mixed of sadness and disappointment on his face.

He walks over to me, and lays his head down to where I can't see his face. He whispers almost so quietly, to the point of almost being inaudible, but I still heard those words.

"Your eomma.. is dead." He states, whimpering. Those words, in a flash, strike my heart. It's my fault. I should've not have said yes, knowing that she had that sickness. I should've begged and pleaded, but I didn't.

I wanted to cry my whole eyes out, but I couldn't. I was at the point to where I was so sad, I couldn't cry anymore. It was such a despicable moment for me. Especially since it was my fault.

I made appa spread those tears. I felt guilty. I wanted to hug appa, but I couldn't. My body couldn't function. Plus, I don't deserve to hug him. I witnessed something that I could've stopped.

I then blacked out of the thoughts that kept torturing me.

-

We were at eomma's funeral. Appa was talking about eomma in his speech, and how she was such an amazing person. He was on the verge on crying, which he did after he was finished talking.

Eomma, I don't deserve to be your child. I could've stopped something bad from happening to you, but it happened. And I even let it happen while you were in deep sickness. I am so, so sorry.

The coffin was placed into the ground, as appa was pleading for her not to go. Tears run down my face. If eomma was here, she would probably say, "Gwenchana, I'm okay." but she wasn't here to.

I realized that every single word of her saying that she was okay, were all lies. I loathed it. Trying to comfort me with lies, was just horrid for me. I know, she did it to make me feel happy, but I'm not happy.

I can't be happy. Lies become worse and worse as the truth unfolds. If only she said the plain truth. Then I could've been more careful in what she did. I could've looked after her while having fun with her as it lasted.

But instead, I destroyed those moments I could've spent to make new ones. They buried eomma. She was gone from existence.. forever.