insane. ➼irwin

broken

i spent all the time i could with jasey rae

before she could leave me.

i was always absent from

the sight of my dear mother

and she despised the thought of me

possibly deceiving her when i say

i was going to extra sessions.

in all sense, i really was deceiving her

but only you and i know that.

 

the longer the period

and the closer to her end

jasey rae seemed even full of ebullience.

even when i interrupt

her morning sleep-ins after a night

of relentless chemotherapy

by tapping on her window with breakfast.

even when i comment on her singing the wrong lyrics

to her favourite songs.

even when i accidentally added sugar into her black coffee

when she liked it completely bitter.

even when i pointed out her mood

after wondering for so long.

 

i was afraid  she was going insane

hypothetically speaking:

that she was giving up on life.

“dear ashton, my love

would you rather i spent

my last days

shedding tears until blood pours out

of my irises?”

and so i told her no

because it was not a multiple-choice question.

“come on, ashton

come with me while i still can and show me

what i’ll be missing in hell.”

she keeps inferring

of her acceptance into hell.

 

and so after saying that

my worn out jasey

took my hand and pulled me up

as she planned aloud of our plans that very day-

plans we both knew we would break anyway.

“perhaps we should stay inside

for you look quite worn.”

 

“i don’t want to.

and i refuse to follow your words because

i don’t have a lot of time.