insane. ➼irwin

gone

we drove out to sea and sat on the rocks.

when i looked out to the horizon

up to that line that separates

the sea and the sky

everything was just a boundless blue blanket.

it was just so beautiful and indescribable

full of so many hidden treasures.

very much like jasey

who showed only her surface.

 

“i have a bad feeling today

ashton.”

was what she said to me

as the wind blew in our hair.

jasey rarely opened her bun but today she did

and her curls bounced beautifully

as they wove down her back

and framed her beautiful features.

i told her not to worry

and to just enjoy herself.

 

we got into her camaro

and i started driving away.

it was halfway down our journey

when she suddenly burst into tears

in between the chorus of a love like war

that blasted out the wrecked speakers.

“ashton

i love you.

i love you more than any person

can love another.

i know that sounds pretentious

and trust me it probably is

but i really do love you.

my heart hurts just thinking

of how many days there are left for me in this world

to show you that i love you.”

 

i looked at her

with my hands still on the steering wheel.

“will you stop it, jasey rae?

yes, i am angry now

angry at you

because you won’t leave the prospect

of death and hell.

there is a way out of everything

and all your chemo will pay off

if that’s the last thing i’ll make sure.

we will do this together

and i will still be the luckiest person

in this planet to have ever known you like i do

until the last breath you take

and that will be when

we’re both lying together

in an old bed in an old folks’ home

as we see the white light hover above us

to collect us into our ending disposition.

until that

we will spend every second

promising each other that our hearts will

forever be inter-woven like they are

and we won’t give it out to anybody else

and we’ll always be there for the other.

sweetheart, if  i could do anything

i would take you away

and we’d run to a faraway place

where we get to decide

what is right and what is wrong.“

 

“are you serious

ashton?”

“of course:

this is because i love you so.

i suggest to you, when we get back

you better pack fast.”

"then we would live?"

"of course, jasey rae

we will make our own rules

and we will sing our own songs

live in our own dreams

and write our own stories.

and we will write about this moment someday

this moment where you are alive

and i am alive

where we are both alive

and at this point we are the strongest

because we don't give a fuck anymore.

we will prove to the motherfuckers

that we don't have to be a part of them

to the find the missing piece in us."

i stopped there

because there were no more words to say

when a truck bounds down the road

and crashes into jasey’s old camaro.

i see nothing

but depictions of the cracking glass

splutters of horridly red blood

and fear.

and the latter is

 not even possible.