insane. ➼irwin

psychotic

my mother picked me up after the nurse calls her.

"ashton

i never knew

that you still wasted your time with that whore.

if anything i'm glad she's dead

that's one less

wretched kid

crowding this world."

i stood up and refused her offer

to return to a place where only my room

was called home.

"thank you, mother

for reminding me why i went out

to numb myself since i was sixteen.

thank you for reminding me

what all those hits were for."

i spat at her

and walked out of the hospital myself.

she called me back and apologized

but she never means anything.

i hated my mother and i still very well do

harbor a very deep grudge against her.

the first place i went to

was jasey's room.

sally and i both cried together and

i ran through all her stuff

but what surprised me most

were the pen knives and the blades

i found hidden in her closet.

one instilled fresh blood on its rusty blades

and it took no genius

to figure out what jasey did

when she stayed up late drinking and crying

all night;

to figure out why she never wore shorts.

as if i wasn't in as much pain already-

i can only take so much.

and so i cried again for the millionth time

because she never told me and i never asked

but mostly because i was never there

to stop all the scars

i was never there to kiss all the cuts.

i got to her bed and sat down on it

holding all the blades in my hand

as i counted and lined them on the surface.

her pillows still smelled much like her

and i felt something underneath one of it.

it was a note from jasey rae

and i opened the white paper with blue lines

expecting much pain

and deep things

that only jasey rae

could ever write.