Rise

Chapter 44

We are only a moment.

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I'm convinced, now, that out of everyone in the universe, I'm the one to have suffered the most loss. At least, that's how I feel.

Me and Han are on a rebel ship that Leia had sent out. The only people on the ship are some mechanics, me, and Han. Oh, and Cecily. Except she isn't really "here".

Sitting next to Han in a small room, I feel like I shouldn't be so quiet. I feel like I should be screaming and wailing with grief, collapsing to the floor, beating on the walls. That's what the old, old me would've done, had past me lost one of her best friends in such a way.

But I'm simply sitting beside Han, my eyes closed as tears run silently down my face. I feel sick and like I'm going to throw up, but I don't. The whole time, I'm just shaking.

Putting my face in my hands, I try to breathe in more deeply, more evenly. But it doesn't seem to work. I feel so numb, and so broken, all at the same time.

"El?"

I look up, not bothering to wipe my tears off my face. Han has seen the worst of me at this point; there's no point in hiding tears. "Yeah?" my voice is croaky, but I impress myself when I detect the stability there.

Han raises his arm, giving me a questioning look. I look into his eyes and wordlessly tell him yes, because the answer will always be yes. His arm is then pressed against my shoulders, my back, as he draws me up against his side. I let out a deep sigh, laying my head on his shoulder, biting my lip to keep from sobbing. Being close and vulnerable like this is making me emotional; it's not just because of Han, though. Warmth always makes me soft.

He meets my gaze, then holds out his free hand, his palm facing up. I take one look at his eyes, then his open hand, and my fingers curl in between his. Immediately, his grip on my hand becomes rather tight. But not the bad kind of tight; it's the kind of grip that's protective but prepared to release if I wish for it to do so. His fingers press gently in-between my knuckles, and I feel as if he's reassuring me that he'll stay there.

Despite Cecily having died mere hours ago, it suddenly feels like an eternity since that happened.

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We finally touch down on Kashyyyk. The ship rocks me and Han gently; we're still sitting in the same position as earlier. I slowly get to my feet, sniffling, composing myself. Turning to Han, a painful though crosses my mind. "Han, what's Luke gonna do? We didn't tell Leia or him about...about Cecily." I say, my voice slightly shaky.

Han stares at me, his eyes wide. He runs his hands through his hair. "Oh no," he murmurs. "Luke's going to be crushed. And Leia..." Han trails off, shaking his head. "They're going to see Cecily's body once we roll it out of the ship; oh, gosh..."

I put my hand on his shoulder. "Let's just go."

Everything is happening in such a way that I can't remember what happens between one action and another. Before I know it, me and Han have opened the ship's boarding ramp, and have Cecily on a roller stretcher. Her wounds aren't covered, and I try not to gag as I breathe in the stench of death.

Looking up, as we start rolling Cecily off the ramp and onto the ground, I see Luke.

My heart drops, and thankfully, he looks at my eyes first. He looks at me, and I can see that he doesn't know what's happened to Cecily. He looks hopeful. And then his eyes narrow as he notices the blood on my face, my jacket. I look at him and say, I'm so sorry.

I can see the exact second where his heart breaks, and I grit my teeth to keep from crying even more as the sadness pours down my cheeks; because I know exactly how he's feeling. I know exactly what it's like to see your whole world, on their back, with the life bleeding out of them. I know. 

Luke crashes through the crowd towards me, Han, and Cecily. I see a perfect lily in one of his hands, and I feel as if I've been stabbed. "Luke." I say, grabbing him by the arm as he skids to a stop beside Cecily's body. My heart wrenches as I see the reflection of her blood, her wounds, in his eyes. God, why'd he have to find out like this? 

"NO!" he screams, and his face begins to turn a pale shade of green. I've never seen him look like this; his eyes are red and puffy, bloodshot. His hands are in his hair and there's strands of it falling to the ground. He's shaking so hard I'm afraid he's having a seizure.

"Cecily--oh my--" Luke's sobbing loud, ugly, painful sobs. I rush over to him just as he doubles over, as he throws up onto the earth. I place my arm on his back, wiping tears off of my face with my sleeve. 

I try to talk to him. "Luke, I'm so sorry; we tried to save her..." I gulp, trying not to cry any harder. There isn't anything I can say to comfort him. 

Luke wipes his mouth with the sleeve of his jacket, staggering as he stands up straighter. He stumbles towards Cecily's body, and he begins to touch her face. "She's not dead." his speech is slurred and cracking in places. 

Han places his hand on Luke's shoulder, pulls him into a half-hug, and I see tears in his eyes. "Luke, she's gone. She died while we were with her on the ship." 

"She can't be," Luke sobs into Han's shoulder. "She can do anything." his words are hardly intelligible as he cries harder. "She promised me she'd come back."

I look at my feet, brushing my hair back as I choke back a whimper. "She said that she loved you, Luke, and that everything she went through was worth it because it ended up in her meeting you." my voice is croaky as I tell him this. 

Luke stares at me, and I can barely look at the distraught expression on his face. Hurting is one thing, but watching one of your best friends hurting is another. His face contorts into a heart-breaking look, and he wobbles in my direction. I go up to him and Han, and hug them both. I wrap my arms around them and close my eyes, crying along with the two of them, beside Cecily.

Abruptly, I remember something. "She gave me a force bracelet." I tell Luke through my tears, my voice thick with emotion. "Take it; she has the other half..." I take the bracelet off and shakily wrap it around Luke's wrist, sniffling as I do so.

He holds it up against his heart, sobbing once more as he leans into me. "I love her so much, and she was just taken away..." his shoulders tremble as he speaks. I hug him, wanting to do something, anything, to change today. To change what had happened. I wish that I'd done something to stop Cecily, even if it'd meant her being mad at me forever.

At least she'd still be alive.

One clear thought I have is that this isn't my fault. Cecily would've found a way to face Vader with or without my intervention; it was lucky that she'd trusted me and Luke enough to come to us both before leaving. 

But, God, I know that I'll be seeing her dying body in my arms, in my nightmares, for the rest of my life. I know I'll hear her bones breaking as she cries in my dreams. My heart begins to race and it takes all my willpower to keep from spiraling out of control. 

I close my eyes, hugging my friends tighter.

In my heart, through the grief and the sadness, there's a storm brewing. A hunger that is unstoppable, and beyond even my own control. It is an old hunger, but I remember it well.

Its a hunger for vengeance.