Rise

Chapter 47

It was never the way she looked
always the way she was;
I could've fallen in love with her with my eyes closed.
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That night, me and Han meet in the forest. He'd radioed me soon after our meeting with Mon Mothma to meet him at the cliff top; the cliff top that overlooked the rebel base and the entire forest around us. I'd heard it was a great place for stargazing.

I've just finished the small hike up to the cliff when I see him sitting at the edge, his legs dangling over the trees below. "Hey," My voice is quiet, so I don't startle him.

Han looks up, turns around. He sees me and smiles. "Hi." He responds as I get down next to him, putting my legs over the edge just like what he's doing. Heights are kind of scary to me, but with Han here, I feel a bit braver.

"It's pretty out, isn't it?" Han gestures up towards the night sky; there's millions of stars up there, softly shining down on the forest around us. Looking up, I smile a bit. It really is beautiful out here...but I'm mostly just wondering why Han wants me here.

Taking a deep breath, I clasp my hands in my lap. "So..." I start, "Why'd you want to talk to me in private?" Han stiffens, and I give him a concerned look. "Han?"

Turning towards me, he looks almost scared. "I wish you hadn't told Mon Mothma we'd go on the mission." His tone isn't condescending. Instead, it's rather sad.

"Why?"

"Because I saw a look on your face, El. When Mon Mothma first suggested the mission. You looked terrified." He runs a hand through his hair, letting out a deep sigh.

I gulp. I'd hoped that no one had noticed, but Han apparently had. He always noticed whatever I did. "Yeah." I murmur, looking at my hands in my lap.

"Why?" Han asks.

"I just..." for some reason, I hesitate. But I can't lie to Han; I'd never do such a thing. I continue. "I just have a really, really and feeling about this mission."

"Me too."

"No, Han. It's not the normal bad feeling you get before a fight. I'm just so scared because I know this will end badly." My voice shakes, and my hands are quivering. "But we have to do the mission, because there's no other choice. I know we have to do it because...it's like the universe is telling me so."

He's silent, and I'm suddenly afraid that he doesn't understand. "I know, it's probably stupid—"

"El." Han cuts me off, shaking his head. "It's not stupid..." he trails off. I'm silent, waiting for him to continue. "I know that you're special, Ellie. You are more special than anybody I've ever even known, and I trust you. If you say that the universe wishes for us to do the mission, then I will not doubt it for a second." Han's eyes meet mine, and I can see that he means every word of what he's saying. My heart is pounding furiously in my chest as he tells me, "I'm always going to follow you."

My hand moves on its own as it takes Han's hand. His hand is shaking, just like mine. The tension between us is like thin, fragile glass. "Do you mean that?"

He smiles slightly. "Every word."

I stare at him, and suddenly, my lips are trembling as I feel tears pooling in my eyes. And I don't know why there are tears; but my emotions are suddenly stronger than anything I've ever felt before. All I can feel is love. Love. Love for Han. My heart is burning with the desire to just tell him, and I know that this could be the last chance I ever get to do so. I know this because of the thing that I have yet to tell him, and I don't want to break his heart.

But I could never lie to him.

"El, talk to me." Han says, taking him hand away from mine as he puts his arm around my shoulders. "You're crying. Seriously, what is it?"

I look at him, and I determine that I can't tell him. I cannot tell him, or he will just worry about me. He will find a way to keep me safe and end up getting hurt himself. And I cannot let that happen.

"I'm just worried." I say instead, and I don't want to lie, and I want to beat myself up for it. But this is to keep him safe.

He's convinced. Han hugs me closer, and I look at him just as he looks up at me. Our gazes meet and I swear, my heart freezes.

We're staring at each other, and he says, "Ellie, why'd you want to talk with me out here?"

"I told you already." My heart pounds as we both realize that's not it. At first, I'd come out here just to tell him I was worried. But my heart has something to say, and I cannot deny it the right to speak.

"You did, but there's more..." Han's voice is so soft, it almost disappears into the breeze. "Isn't there?"

His silver eyes bore into mine, and I am certain that if I say nothing, my desire will surely kill me.

"Han...." I say, instantly breathless. My heartbeat is in my ears and I suddenly feel as if I'm on a ride that I have no control of. Even if I wanted to stop, I couldn't.

"It's you. It's always been you. Everything—it—it's just you. You're nearly all I can think about and I've...Ive been so scared of love and everything else, of the world, but you made me braver than I've ever been and I just—" the words are pouring from between my lips, relentless, "I love you."

Nothing makes sense anymore. My world has been turned upside down. Fear of what he'll say next is consuming me, driving me crazy. He's driving me crazy.

And suddenly, his lips are crashing against mine, and I collapse.

Every wall I've ever had shatters apart. Everything I've used to guard myself is obliterated as Han destroys me. And he destroys me in the most beautiful, perfect way.

He tastes faintly like wine and sunshine. I'm dizzy as we kiss, and there's fireworks exploding in my gut, in the depths of my heart. Something like honey and fire fills my soul.

I touch his face, his sharp jaw and his soft cheek. All at once, I'm a forest fire, a lightning storm, a tsunami, and a shattering earthquake.

We break apart, and I suck in a breath of air, my heart fluttering. My insides have turned into sand. I'm practically weightless. Han kisses me again, and I can feel him smile as we separate. "I love you so much." He whispers against my lips.

My breaths become less rapid, and he takes both of my hands in his as we touch our foreheads together. I'm shaking. I've never felt this way in my entire life.

"Han...." I whisper, not even sure what I'm going to say next.

He presses his lips to my forehead. "Yeah?" He murmurs.

"Don't let me go."

Han wraps his arms around me, holds me tighter, closer. He's never held me this close before, and I feel like I'm flying. "I won't."

"Do you promise?"

"I swear it."

As he says this, I almost don't feel guilty. I almost don't feel guilty for not telling Han that I'm convinced I'll die on the mission.

But through the happiness, the guilt is there.