The Tattooed Prince 2

74.

I forgave myself. It wasn't easy to do so and I never expect it to come quickly. Every day I whispered to myself for forgiveness. If Esther was able to forgive me kindly, I could too. There came times where it seemed stupid to talk to myself about forgiving teenage me. I wanted to feel this relief and peace within me, yet a never came. In my head, I thought the peace was going to be the sign I needed to know I had forgiven myself, but Dr. Oaklen asked me not to expect a feeling. I'd be waiting for years if that's what I was looking for, instead, she kept my mind preoccupied. Whether it was attending solo therapy or group ones.  

The process of forgiving myself come gradually and I started to notice the signs as they came to view. I didn't feel anger when I saw my tattoos and my hands could glide over my scars and goosebumps would no longer go down my spine. Dr. Oaklen was right, the feeling never came but deep down I knew I had forgiven myself. My tattoos stopped defining who I was. 

I'd like to say after the forgiveness phase was over, I was discharged and sent home. It wasn't the case, I've learned while being here as one phase subsides a new one has to be brought up and fixed. My drinking problem continued to be the problem and Dr. Oaklen was determined to fix all major aspects of why I began to drink. In her words, my demons needed to know I was in control now. 

Dr. Oaklen allowed me to have internet access an hour a day and it was monitored by the nurses. They would bring me an iPad and I was allowed to go on to whatever website I wanted or check my emails. Usually, I would spend the first fifteen minutes responding back to my grandmother or facetime Esther. It had been awhile since I got on any social media and I was advised not to get on.  There wasn't anything happening which would put me in a frenzy so I decided to go against their wishes and go on Instagram.  

I could've gone through my feed but I decided to look up Adalyn's page--a part of me regretted the decision rather quickly.  

AdalynEsmOfficial: The view was amazing! Thank you @_mateo987 for spending the week with me. Here's to many more memories:) 

Who was this Mateo987 guy?  Was he the guy she took to Santiago's charity event? The events from that night are still foggy since I was pretty plastered. I wasn't able to look at his page since it came out as user unfound. I went through her photos and it seemed as if for the last month she has been traveling all over. In each photo, this guy appeared or she was giving him photo credit. I wondered if this was a guy she was seeing.