• p e r f u m e •

11. t e r r i f i e d

Looking for my answers from above
The only home I know is for me and you
The only things I'm doing from myself
Diggin' holes in my brain tryin' to hide away

____

Justin

It was happening...

The one thing I was afraid of. Regression. I was in regret. Deep, deep regret. Regretting the steep turn I took. My mind had brushed off all chains and was trying to run back home. But it felt like it was running on a treadmill.

Because home wasn't an easy road anymore. I've hurt and wrecked that home so much, I'm afraid, that all roads of home were now closed for me.

Because my mind, heart and soul don't consider a shelter as home. Home has always been Bella for all three of them.

At home, my mind felt no pressure, in expressing everything that frustrated it. It could talk without feeling the pressure of being judged or consequences of its words. It was free.

At home, my heart was always happy. It had everything it wanted, didn't ever felt the need of anything more. It was happy.

At home, my soul was always at ease, kept away from all turmoil because any pain that came it's way, it shared with home. Home never let the soul cry alone. At home, soul was at peace.

I don't know how or why the three of them decided to wander away. Maybe seeing an old shelter made them nostalgic. Maybe they thought that the old happiness could be revived. But now they're starting to realize that they made a mistake.

A big, big mistake.

Because the old home was in ruins, ruins beyond repair. They appeared to be fixable but everything keeps falling off eventually.

I was seeing things clearer now. I wasn't able to find the happiness I thought I could find again with Nia. It just wasn't happening.

I was afraid of this and that's what's happening now.

Second thoughts.

It's a turmoil in my head. Nia or Bella, Nia or Bella, Nia or Bella.

I cheated on Bella, hurt her, asked her for a divorce, made her stop working in a company that belongs to her as much as it does to me, asked her to move out of her own house. Always threw cold, hard words her way.

But she stayed through all that, taking care of me whenever she could. Never left my side. And then there's Nia.

Who throws a tantrum over the smallest thing and goes away to stay with her friend everytime we argue.

This is now how I thought me and Nia would go about. I thought we had learned from our previous mistake. But we're just the same. Our egos clash, we fight all the time, disagree over everything. It's all still the same. It's still toxic.

Today marks exactly a month since mine and Bella's anniversary which means, it's her birthday today.

I didn't get to meet her in the morning, she went away early like she does everyday but she's been religious making me breakfast, even packing me a little lunch, everyday without fail.