part of me | e.d

eleven

i wake up to the soft sound of ethan's even breaths. he's snuggling one of my pillows close to his chest, his back faced to me. the room is bright from the sunlight coming through the window.

i lift the comforter off me, getting up as quietly as possible to not wake ethan. i then tip toe across my bedroom, avoiding all the creaks that i've memorized on the floor, and open the door, heading downstairs. 

entering the living room, i see my dad asleep on the couch, beer bottles surrounding him. shaking my head, i begin picking them up and tossing them in the trash. once the living room is picked up, i decide to head back upstairs and get dressed. maybe ethan and i could go to an ice rink today like old times.

i walk into my room and see ethan isn't asleep in my bed anymore. he left a large ethan-shaped dent, though.

he must be in my bathroom.

i walk to my dresser, picking out some clothes to wear. i then sit on my bed and go on my phone while i wait for ethan to get out of the bathroom.

opening my phone, i decide to reply to the text amy sent me yesterday.

ames | yesterday at 3:28 PM

hey are you ok?

haven't heard from u since the party

me | 9:42 AM

yeah i'm fine. talk to you tmr at school.

i hit send and put my phone back down on my nightstand. finally, the bathroom door opens revealing ethan standing there with a confused look on his face.

"what's wrong, eth-" i start saying, but once i look down at his hands, i know why he was acting weird. i see the two little blades i had put away under my sink, sitting in his palm. my heart drops into my stomach instantly.

i stand up, walking over to him. his lips are parted a little, like he's unsure what to even say.

"y-you weren't supposed to find those." i grab them from his hands, walking past him into the bathroom.

"how long?" is all i hear him say. i stop for a moment, thinking about his question for a second before answering.

"i only did it once." i continue walking to my sink and open the drawer, but i feel his wrist on my arm before i can put them away. i look up and see ethan's teary eyes staring intensely at me before he grabs them out of my hand again.

he walks to the toilet, dropping them into it. "ethan, stop it!" i shout, but it's too late. he pushes down the lever and the blades are flushed away.

i hit his shoulder, before screaming, "why would you do that?" he turns around, a shocked expression on his face from my question. 

he's about to speak but i hit his chest and cut him off. "you had no fucking right to do that ethan!" before i can keep hitting him, his hands wrap around my wrists, holding them between us to stop me.

his light brown eyes, stricken with pain and guilt, stare into mine before he says, "i did it because i care about you! and i can't stand seeing you get hurt." tears leave my eyes, and i begin sobbing quietly, feeling powerless.

he took away my only form of release. my only method of numbing the pain in my heart. my only way of forgetting the past, even if it was just temporarily.

seeing my tears, his grip on my wrists loosens and his eyes get softer. he puts my hands down and pulls me into his chest, wrapping his strong arms around my back. i hug him back and squish my face into his shirt, probably soaking it with my tears.