part of me | e.d

forty-one

*** this chapter is unedited so sorry for any grammar mistakes!! ***

i stare at him, waiting for an answer. the fact that he's hesitating makes me feel even more uneasy.

"it's not that simple," is all he says.

"yes, it is. yes or no, ethan?"

he sighs. "no."

immediately, i feel relief flood my body. i knew emma was lying. if they really had slept together, he would've told me when i asked him about it yesterday.

"but we almost did."

i look at him, feeling jealous all over again. "what do you mean almost?"

"it was the weekend after you had just left. i felt so lost and depressed and angry at you. grayson was gone in new york with you and amy, so i didn't have anyone to talk to about the love of my life leaving me."

i feel the urge to grab his hand or just hold him, but decide against it.

"so when emma showed up at my house, i guess i just took out all my sadness on her. she made me feel so much better. she made me forget about you."

i feel a sting in my chest from his words, but just ignore it. i nod, encouraging him to go on.

"but i couldn't go through with it. as much as i wanted to, i couldn't have sex with her. she wasn't you."

despite feeling terrified to ask, i build up the courage to. "do you have feelings for her?"

he shakes his head right away. "no, absolutely not."

"okay, but did you?"

he looks down at the ground again, avoiding my eyes. i can feel tears threatening to fall from my eyes, knowing i had my answer.

"rylin, the way i felt about her is different from the way i feel about you."

"but you had feelings. you told me nothing has ever happened between you two and now you're telling me you almost slept together and had feelings for her."

he lifts my chin making me look at him. "my feelings for her were just from how lonely i was without you. they weren't real."

"maybe yours weren't, but hers were."

"rylin, after we realized we were about to make such a huge mistake, we agreed to forget about it and just be friends. the only person i've ever had real feelings for is you."

i simply nod my head, still feeling angry. whatever i say right now is just going to come out bitchy, so i keep my mouth shut.

"ry, are you upset?"

i look away from him, shaking my head.

"you're mad."

"i'm not mad."

"yes you are."

i finally turn my head towards him again, letting the anger rush out of me. "yes, i'm fucking mad! you lied to me. you made me feel crazy about being jealous when i had every right to be. you guys had something, no matter how irrelevant or one-sided."

he rubs his face, sighing loudly. "i'm sorry for lying, but i just didn't think it was worth mentioning. whatever we may have had really meant nothing to me."

"nothing?"

"yes, nothing."

"if that was true you never would've almost slept with her."

now he's the one getting angry. "after all of this, you still don't fucking understand. i wasn't thinking straight. i missed you so damn much-"

"i do get that, ethan. stop throwing it in my face already."