*Warnings:
~serious topics
~mental health
Alright, this is sort of a rant that involves some serious topics, so yeah.
But yeah, my life is pretty good... visually. Mentally and emotionally, not as good. It's not as good physically either, but I'm used to that problem, so I'll be quick with that one.
I was born with a mild physical impairment (PM me if you really wanna know what it is) and I've had two surgeries in one day when I was like seven years old to "correct" some stuff. I put that in quotes because one surgery worked, but I can't really say the same about the other one. Anyway, that part of my life I'm already used to, so I don't really have a problem with it, until I have to write something quickly or walk really fast. But, other than that, I'm good with it.
Now, I'm dealing with other stuff that's mental and emotional and it's harder now than it was a few years ago. For one thing, I wasn't officially diagnosed with social anxiety disorder until my second year of highschool, but I've like always dealt with it. And believe me, it's gotten worse.
I went on a field trip to a play during my senior year of highschool and after the play was over, we were all supposed to eat at this popular restaurant called Portillos. I've never been there before that day, and believe me, the Chicago versions of restaurants are not the place to start. They're fucking large and full of so many people. Like, I walked in behind these other students because like, I'm not about to get lost, like hell no. Then I was moved to this other line. I was still next to people from my school and stuff, but I was the only one in that line. Then when I had to order, I like couldn't talk because I've never been there so I didn't know what to order at all. I mean, the woman at the register was really nice, but I still didn't know what to say and I felt dizzy. Luckily, one of the teacher chaperones came up to me at one point and helped me out, so that was good at least. But then after I got my food and went to the second floor (that's where the people from school was), I had a panic attack because I couldn't find a table that didn't have any people. I don't like sitting alone, but I'm scared that if I sit at a table where there are already people there, they'll either not let me sit there or, if they do, they'll be thinking, "Why is this bitch sitting here?" or something like that, even if the people in question are nice to me. Anyway, at one point, these girls from my school noticed me and helped me out. Before that, this woman who I didn't know invited me to sit with her and her friend, but I didn't because I don't know her. So, the two girls from school that helped me out invited me to sit at their table. Plus, before that, one of the girls helped me calm down (good thing she did, because I was a hyperventilating mess) and I sat with them. So, now, when I think of that restaurant, I'll have that bad memory in my head (but the food was pretty decent, so maybe I just won't go back alone, lol).
Right now, I'm worse than I was a few years ago. Like, I'm aware it's not healthy to self diagnose, but there is no doubt in my mind at all that I actually have, not one, but two types of OCD.
Like, I'm sure I have the germophobia OCD because I literally can't go one day without using hand sanitizer at least once and sometimes I use it to the point where my hands get all sticky (when I started writing this last night, that was my hands). I know it's probably not healthy, but I can't help it. It's not comfortable for me to go a really long time without it. I still remember a few times in school when I spent a long time not using any hand sanitizer during a class period or two and my hands felt so weird, like I think they were either tingling or irritated or something. Also, I don't like it when people touch me or my stuff after touching something dirty. I mean, I understand that they might not view that something as dirty as I view it, but still. It's not that comfortable.
Also, I'm so sure that I have the unwanted thoughts OCD too, and if I'm right, it's gotten really worse. For example, I think the worst a lot when I really shouldn't be. And there's this stone step thingy near the entrance of my house and if I don't step on it when I'm going inside my house at the end of the day or if I step on it while thinking an unwanted thought, I'll think something bad's gonna happen to someone. And if I step on it while thinking something bad or an unwanted thought, then I have to step on it again until I'm thinking something good or at least think that the unwanted thought is not gonna happen. I know it's not logical, but yeah.
I don't know what to do. I mean, I've started therapy during my second year of high school, but I stopped going during the beginning of my third year of high school because the therapist that I had stopped working there. I'm already done with high school, so I literally haven't been to therapy for more than a year and I've definitely gotten worse. But at least I don't have to worry about school right now, so that's one good thing.
But now, I have to worry about college next year (I'm taking a year off right now) and possibly finding a job. But, who would hire me? I do things repeatedly a lot and one of those things is repeatedly putting on sanitizer. Sometimes it's when I haven't even "used" the amount of sanitizer that was even on my hands, so a lot of times, I end up with a huge glob of sanitizer in my hands and it's not even helpful because then my hands get sticky like I said earlier and it's just awful.
Also, this is unrelated to this, but here's a little advice: if u put hand sanitizer on before eating, do not lick your fingers when you're done eating. It tastes nasty. Take it from the person who's done it all the time.
Anyway, right now, I'm doing okay. So, that's good. I just wanted to write this because it feels bad keeping everything inside and stuff so yeah.
Sorry if this was really long and uninteresting:(
~Jessica❤
