My memory of father, my memory of Esther, my memories of Amelia and the love I first made, Auden. To leave that all away was harder than I had thought. Drowning in the middle of the lake, screaming and hollering for someone to come, but just to hear the hefty of silence and breezes.
With the tip of my fingertips, I dipped into the lake, moving it forward and backward. Then, I thought, what would be under the lake? I quickly took my finger off and wiped the nasty water on my denims. I was no help. It didn't matter. What was I to give? Yet, my life to make things much more simpler. My heart ached of Auden. Even though I only spent a week or so with him, it hurt so much for me to bare.
Dying of happiness. That sounded easier. I ran in the woods as the sun kissed my skin. I paused on a tree to stick my dagger in and climbed up where the sun could blind me the most.
I turned to another angle which only let my sun sting the back of my head. I just thought what would be easy to describe my life. A mystery? Most definitely. Things still hadn't make sense.
I jumped off the tree and ran as fast as I could like if a jaguar was chasing me. I closed my eyes and tried to reach for something, but then I realized that there was no one there. I dropped myself in the ground and frowned.
Turning, I met the petals of a rose. I pucked out roses, that had no- surprisingly- thorns. With that, I plucked out the petals of the rose. He loves me.. he loves me not.. he loves me.. he loves me not.. he loves me.. he loves me not..
I threw the stem away and laid on a tree. It couldn't be true.. it couldn't be. My boots once more crunched at the sound of the grass and into the lake.
With hesitation, I stepped back. Before I had my second hesitation, I furrowed my eyebrows and accidentally slipped into hell. I coughed out the nasty water and screamed but it was no use.
I kept on splashing on the water until I finally let go.. Everything turning into a fading white. ".. This isn' right.. this isn't right."
I felt someone shake me. "What isn't right?"
".. This isn't... this isn't right." When someone shook me again I stood up with my eyes wide open. I felt for my watch on my wrist vigorously and felt nothing. I peeled my hand away from the blanked and saw with my own eyes, that it wsan't there.
I looked at the nightstand that was beside me and found it only filled with pills. My tears spilled constantly, I didn't care whether or not to hold it in. It was the last of father.. it was the last of the last.
"We couldn't find your watch, I'm sorry." I lifted my eyes and hugged Adolf without permission. I soaked his shoulder with tears, was grasping for air.
I apologized. He smiled back and held my hand. "It's alright. But Auden.. He didn't want to come." I only smiled. "I knew it."
"Knew what?"
"It was just a dream," I looked up at Adolf, and continued, "it was just a little fantasy. Sia's probably near him."
Adolf tucked my a lock of hair behind my ear. "Look, I like you but not in that way. You're beautiful and really skilled. Auden really likes you."
I looked at him as if he were crazy. And he really was."How would you know? If it was true, our relationship wouldn't last."
"How would you know, Jane? Isn't this your first?" Then the tears reappeared and this time I tried my best to hold it in. "Because I love Auden and he's not even close to that level."
"Love?"
I nodded. "How do you know it's love, Jane? Maybe it's just strong. Is that why you drowned yourself?"
"You guys don't understand my situation. So I'd rather you not talk to me about it. I'm done." I choked out.
"You're not done," Adolf said gently, only grasping my hand tighter.
"You're a bad liar."
"What?"
I met his eyes again, "You do like me."
"Jane, I do but you belong with-"
I brought my hand up to his neck and shoved him down for a rough kiss. When there was tongue, my lips met his jawline, sending him a little moan flying out his mouth. When I met his lips once more, I broke the kiss and looked at his eyes that were just about an inch about from mines.
"You were always there for me? You even came and Auden didn't. And may I ask, what brought me here?" I breathed.
"I was-"
"You see."
"Just wait and let me finish my sentence. Auden wanted me to find you because he was busy. And I figured that you'd be in the woods."
"He was busy? Busy of what?"
He shook his head. I brought his head down closer and breathed near his ear. "Where is he?"
"With the keeper."
I brought him back to eye level, "Can you take me there?" I stepped back in the familiar smelling castle. I know I wasn't properly dressed because I was in my nursing clothes. I was done with high heels and tight dresses. Holding on Adolf's forearm for support, he led me to another room with only one door instead of double doors.
Adolf opened the door to show a king bed and familiar blue orbs. Adolf disappeared faster than I thought and in just a moment I was shoved against the wall. "Why do you always run away from me?"
I flashed open my eyes again. "I- didn- did. Sorry."
"What do I have to do to make you not?"
Instead of pinning my hands against the wall, I held my hand on his, successfully avoiding the pleasure. Then just one particular person came to mind.
"Who is Sia?"
He hesitated. "Sia's my ex's sister. Aubrey."
"Aubrey Hampton? The one who died in the train accident?"
He slowly nodded, a little hurt. "I-I'm sorry. Do you still love her?"
"I don't think about her anymore. She was just like a breeze. She came and stroked my cheek and then flew."
"How about me? What do you feel about me?"
"You're different."
"Different how?" I asked.
He turned and shrugged. "I'm not sure."
I watched as he walked away, not even glancing back at me. Where was the one I knew? The person I thought.. I..
There was no use, I felt so weak. I felt like my heart could just crumple up.. like I was fragile. The feeling was so familiar and I didn't have the energy to cry. I couldn't even think straight.
I didn't care anymore. I wanted to just live.
I knew I was dead inside.
