College Boy [h.s]

Eighteen.

"Payton, meet your godfather," I say, my tired arms holding up the baby girl to Louis.

He looks at the newborn child with a mesmerized expression. "Godfather?"

I nod. "There's no one out there I would rather my daughter be with if something were to happen to me, and Shawn as well, the both of you are her godparents," I say, motioning towards Shawn who reaches out and gives my hand a quick squeeze.

Payton Elizabeth Welsh was born 3 days prior, weighing in at 7lbs 4 oz. I didn't want anyone to see me go through labor and shit besides Ryan, and so Louis was just now meeting her for the first time. My grandparents had stopped by earlier this morning, but other than that no one had met her yet.

"Absolutely beautiful," Louis whispers, entranced by the life he held in his arms.

I smile. Watching him hold her was one of the happiest moments of my life thus far. I never knew true love until I met Payton.

"She's beautiful," Shawn agrees, "how are you feeling?"

"Tired," I say, "Ryan's sleeping now, we're taking turns staying awake with her."

"Is it really as hard as everyone makes it out to be? Because we may just have to get one of these ourselves, my god," Louis says, absolutely gushing over her.

"So far, yes, it's hard, but it's worth every second," I said.

"Can we get one?" Louis asks Shawn with a smile, who shakes his head and laughs lightly.

"You can have a goldfish," he reasons.

"A puppy?" Louis counter-asks.

"Deal."

I smile at the two of them bantering with one another. They are so love. The kind of love I wish I had. I haven't felt love like that in a long time. Not since... never mind.

Louis turns to towards me, Payton still in his arms, and speaks comfortingly "Tea why are you crying?"

Only then did I realize the tears that filled my eyes.

"You two just seem so happy," I say.

"Aw, love," Louis says, frowning at my statement, and handing the child off to Shawn so he can sit by me.

"Teagan, what's wrong?" He asks, wrapping an arm around me.

"I love her so much Louis. I love her more than I knew was possible. I should be so happy," I say.

But there was a void.

"You know a lot of women experience postpartum depression, it's quite common-" He begins to say but I shake my head.

"It isn't that. I've felt like this for months, Louis. I can't describe it."

Louis' head wrinkles in confusion as he thinks for a moment. "A few months back you said something about how your life doesn't feel like it's your own? Is that it?"

"I .. I don't know," I admit. "I'm 21 years old, still in college, with an infant daughter and a boyfriend who I barely speak too."

We aren't in love, I've accepted that.

"Is there anything we can do?" Louis asks.

I don't want to say it. But I want it more than anything else at the moment.

I don't want to be here with Ryan. He's a good man, and a faithful man too. But we don't love each other and if it weren't for Payton we would've went separate ways long ago.

"I don't want to live here," I whisper lowly, mostly to myself. I just wanted to say it out loud.

But I can't leave, I have a newborn baby and no money for my own place. On top of it I still have another year of college to go. My only possible option is asking to move in with my grandparents, but they are old and I have no intentions of being a nuisance to them by bringing in a screaming infant.

"Move in with us," Louis speaks, and only then do I realize I had actually said that out loud.

"What?"

"Yeah, we've got an extra bedroom in our apartment. It's all manly and dirty of course, but you can decorate it however ya like. I'm serious, move in if that will make you happy." 

Shawn nods in agreement as he listens to our conversation. "You're always welcome to stay with us."

"I -" I begin, before breaking into a fit of sobs. They were cries of relief. "I love you guys. Thank you." I say, giving Louis the biggest hug I could.

"It's okay, really," Louis says, kissing my forehead. 

I don't know how I'm even going to tell Ryan. It's his baby too, and I don't want to take her away from him.

                                                                                        *****

Harrys POV

She walks out of the bathroom, holding up the test with a frown.

"I'm sorry, love, maybe next time," I say, feeling my own heart plummet. We had only been trying for eight weeks now, but it still was painful every time the test came out negative.

"It's okay, just more time for ourselves, I suppose," she says, smiling lightly to try and lighten the mood.

All I wanted was a child with the woman I love most.