Love, Loss, and Life

End-of-Year Story 🅴

Once upon a time, I lost a friend.
He was kind, sweet, and sometimes stupid. Not much for his height, but his comedic heart was unforgettable.
And yet I never appreciated him till it was too late.
There are those moments or periods of time in life where you don't realize how you feel about someone before they leave you. You don't appreciate those small moments where all you do is chat and fool around with a friend until they leave you.
He never became my best friend until he left me.
The days after his leaving has changed how I see friendship. I have begun to cherish all the friends I have and opened my eyes to their trust, and how I should trust them. I've rediscovered someone I've known for so long, and yet only now is he one of the best friends I've gained this year.
I've made many new friends, and I've deepened relationships with the ones I've known. I may have lost those I used to hang out with, and I may have taken the friend I had lost for granted, but these new and bettered friendships have shaped my journey in my first year in middle school.
Now I'm here-it's almost the end of the year, and boy has it been a wild ride. From broken promises of phone calls; heartbreak that has changed one of your friends you've known so long; and friends moving away out of your life even when you're not ready to let go... sixth grade has really been overwhelming.
We've all gone through shit this year, but we might've also changed for the better. I know I'm hoping for a better, less dramatic year in seventh grade, but we all know it'll only get worse from here with puberty and hormones and all that growing-up crap.
And I guess, if I hadn't once upon a time lost a friend, I wouldn't have appreciated my relationships with the ones I care about now, and the one I still care about even after months of no communication....
I hope that life will get better... I hope that we'll end up being the best selves we can be at the finish line. I hope that old friends can reconnect; I hope that the one I had lost-the one that just came back-will be as good a friend like he was when he was still around; I hope that I can trust the ones who I've grown closer to as I hope they can trust in the one they can rely on-me.
I agree with Minh-Thu on this one: this year has really been overwhelming. All the drama and hurtful words and betrayal and heartbreak more damaging than drugs and alcohol will change our perspective of the world....
As we grow into teenagers, we'll have to endure even more bumps on the road and suffer through even more losses, but we'll also gain from it-from the experience. When I first started middle school, I was more worried about all the classes and bullying that would put pressure on me and give me scars, but the problems that ended up being reality really came from those you cared about-from those you trusted. I bet none of us thought that just a simple crush or a simple act of your friend moving would affect your life like it has now....
I've suffered through three things this year: love, loss, and life. I've seen my love for my friends grow deeper, but I've also seen it grow more complex and seen it boil so crazily that it controlled my life like I could never predict it would. I've seen the loss of my aunt... how those dark days haunted me and my big family... and the loss of that one friend you never knew was the one you cared about the most until it was too late. And I've seen life change, for both worse and better. Life has changed from weird to moody and shattered like a mirror that you broke just by looking into your own heartbroken eyes.
Acne, promises, and drama have taken over what I see everyday. I've been better at being myself and have actually never been happier, but to see my friends suffer right after I had healed my broken bones in my scar tissue has lead me to reflect inside myself...
...and to realize that we'll never be the same.
I see some of my friends who've either had gone through relationships that didn't work out or is emotionally unstable because that one person you have feelings for doesn't even know you fill up their stories with moody reflections about how they've changed and how love has affected them. I hate to see any of my friends hurt as they cope with their longing and heartbreak they're trying to prevent from breaking through with fun... but it's okay to feel this way.
This year has also given me some strong, valid evidence of the rule, "Promises were made to be broken." And I hate it. When you ask your friend repeatedly; when you call that friend countless times; when you want to rely on him but he never answers that you get angry and he says, "That's pretty mean." I feel guilt and regret of ever letting my anger get the best of me with him, and I hope he forgives me for it. He's pretty much my best friend, and that's why I'm so hard on him. I've never, until this year, really had any actual friends, much less a best friend. But, like all my other friends, I want him to trust me, and I also want to trust him to keep guard of my secrets and keep promises unbroken. I asked him once that no matter what happens, will he always be my broske? He said it depends, meaning he's afraid that I might become a mean bitch next year. We both wouldn't want to be friends with a mean bitch, now would we?
And I'm afraid that I'm becoming the demanding, mean bitch that I never want to be.
With how annoying he really is, the angrily boiling urge to strangle him is always strong, but the urge to care-the longing to be a good friend to others-is much stronger, both morally and emotionally.
I want my relationships to be everlasting. I want them to be unbroken. And who knows, maybe they'll last past college! But I predict that there'll be times where we'll both lose and gain friends as life changes even more.
We'll never be the same. We'll face life lessons about love, loss, and life. I'll eventually have to go through heartbreak someday as my friends already have. Our journey from middle school to high school and beyond won't be a blissful one, but it will be one to remember and one to learn from.
We've changed. We've lost. We've loved. We've felt guilt, regret, loneliness... and we'll cherish all the good times this year and learn from all the times that haunt us to this very day.
At the end of the year, I want all my friends to remember to not get caught up in how life has treated you. I want y'all to make the best of life. Don't take the tiniest mistakes and turn them into the biggest embarrassments of your life. Don't take what should be the simplest yet best things in your life for granted-as I once did. Be happy, be yourself, and love life with love in everything and everyone you care about and what you live for.
Once upon a time, I lost a friend. I haven't reached that happily ever after, and I have a gut feeling that it ain't gonna just end without any bumps on the road, but when I had lost the friend I strive to get back, that was when I looked around and changed how I saw my friends and life itself. Life itself has changed repeatedly as our story continues every single second of each and every day.
And I believe our story is just beginning.

May 2018