Starting New - Xxxtentacion

Chapter 38 - Without Him, I'm Nothing

"I don't want to talk" I said as I heard a knock on the door. Then it was quiet again. I got up and locked the door.

"Anastasia please" I heard Stokeleys voice.

"I just want to be alone" I said quietly then I heard him walk away. I walked into the bathroom and started the shower.

We got back here about twenty minutes ago. I feel traumatized from seeing my brothers dead body lying there. I feel traumatized just by losing him. I jumped a little as I heard my phone ding. I grabbed it and saw multiple texts.

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Lil Skies My Ki: im coming over later. I'm sorry this shit happened.
Lil Skies My Ki: i love you
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Faith💓: hey I just talked to your mom she said you went back to your place so I'll be there soon. just hang in there. I love you see you in a little
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Jahseh💙: im in my room when you're ready to see people
Jahseh💙: you are not alone. it may feel like it but I promise you that you are not
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Unknown Number: how many you want?
_________

I put my phone down and got into the shower. I started to cry again and slid down the wall sitting on the shower floor.

Why did I have to lose my brother so quick? I never thought a nightmare like this could happen to me. This is ruining me. I put my hands over my face and cried harder. I feel like I can't breathe. I haven't cried this hard in a while. To the point where I can't even breathe right.

I tried to calm my self down as I leaned my head against the wall. I don't want to be alive without my brother. Without him, I'm nothing. I can't breathe without him. Life is so unfair and I'll never understand way.

I stood up slowly and shut the shower off. I need sleep. I thought a shower could help. I guess again I was wrong. I dried myself off and grabbed the big tshirt and soft shorts I put out before. I didn't bother to dry my hair and I left my phone in the bathroom as I walked out and unlocked my door.

I thought I wanted to be alone. Maybe I don't. I opened my door and saw Jahseh sitting in the hall way. He picked his head up quickly as he heard my door open.

"I wanted to be here incase you needed something" he told me as he stood up. I nodded.

"Thank you" I managed to talk. He put his hand on my arm softly.

"Do you want me to get you anything?" He asked. I shook my head.

"I just want to lay down" I said and without him saying or doing anything, I walked into his room. I heard him shut the door behind us. "He's dead Jah" I said quietly as I faced him.

"I know. I'm sorry" he said and turned his light off. He walked over to me and put my wet hair behind my ear. He softly kissed my forehead. I stared up at him then moved away and laid on his bed. I laid on my side as I watched him lay down also. He laid on his side too and put his arm around me pulling me closer. "I'm here for you" he whispered in my ear before kissing my cheek. I started to cry again with my face in his chest. He held me tighter. This is what I need.

***

As I woke up, I forgot I fell asleep in Jahsehs room. I felt his arms wrapped around me and I looked up seeing him still asleep. I softly moved his arm off of me and slowly got out of bed. I walked into the bathroom and did my business before looking at myself in the mirror.

I look like a mess. My hair is very messy since I slept with wet hair and without brushing it. I threw it up on a bun, which is a mess making me look even worse, but I truly don't care. I walked out of the bathroom and saw Jahseh still asleep. I walked out of the room and it sounded like people were downstairs.

Not like I want to see anyone, but I'm curious to see. I leaned against the wall in the hallway and took a deep breath. I don't know why I'm nervous to go down there.

"What are you doing?" I heard Jahsehs raspy voice. I jumped a little and faced him. He scared me.

"About to go down stairs. Can you come with me?" I asked. He nodded and I followed him down the stairs. As we got downstairs, I saw Stokeley, Isaiah, and Ki talking in the living room.

"Stas" Ki said as he saw me and started walking over to me. I instantly hugged him tightly. "You gon be alright" I heard him say. I felt tears start to fall again and I tried to stop them. I pulled away a little to see tears in his eyes too. He quickly wiped his tears that fell. "We gonna be alright Bunny" he said quietly before just letting the tears fall. I never seen him cry before. I again wrapped my arms around him hugging him again.

"No we won't. He helped me get through every single thing" I said and tears kept on coming.

"We got each other. We got the guys too. You got Faith" he said back. His voice is shakey too. I pulled away again. "You got your mom and your dad. Even though you guys don't get along. You need each other right now." He told me and I nodded agreeing.

I turned around and saw the boys sitting on the couch. They look at us sadly. I just wiped my tears and was about to move to sit on the couch too, but Ki put his arm around my shoulders and pressed his lips against the top of my head.

"I love you, Bunny" he told me as he moved away from me. I looked back at him.

"I love you too" I said back then walked over to where Jahseh was sitting. He was sitting on the edge of the couch with his elbow up on the arm rest and his head on his hand. Till he looked up at me and picked his head up.

"Come here" he mumbled. I sat on his lap and rested my head on his shoulder. His arm draped around my shoulders. I picked up my head looking at Jahseh and put my arm around his neck. He stared back at me. He looked sad too. He kissed my cheek softly.

"Thank you for being here for me" I told him.

"Of course" He said back. He kissed me passionately.