I Found a Man

Kabanata 32

"Sandy! Where are you going?" Meg called pero hindi ko siya pinansin at dumeretso lang ako sa paglakad. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta, wala rin akong pakealam kung saan ako mapadpad. All I know is I want to run away. I want to be as far away as I can from him.

"Krisandra!" Tumigil ako nang marinig ang pangalan ko na tinawag no Zec.

"Don't you dare follow me, Zec." Tumalikod na ulit ako at naglakad.

"Let me talk to her." I heard Meg and she ran to catch up until she's beside me. "Sandy."

"Megan, huwag ngayon please." I think she gets me that's why she stopped talking but still she followed my phase and walked silently beside me hanggang sa makarating kami sa may lobby.

"Sandy, what's wrong?"

"Hindi ko din alam Meg. Hindi ko na alam." Napapunas ako sa noo ko. Gulong-gulo na ako! Akala ko ba okay na ako? Akala ko ba... akala ko ba tapos na?

Why is he making my life harder again?

Gusto ba niya akong patayin ulit kagaya ng ginawa niya sa akin noon?

I can't... I can't do this. I can tolerate being near him again. Talking casually. But not like this. Not like this.

When he said that, it brought back all the memories from the past. Alam ko na napatawad ko na siya, na may closure na.. but it's another thing to give him another chance again. I can't just ignore what happened years ago. It was like a lesson for me. I think of it as a lesson pero pano na kung ganyan na gusto niya ulit bumalik sa buhay ko? Nakakatakot.

Nakakatakot na masaktan ulit ng iisang tao lang. Once is enough.

Sa sobrang frustration ko hindi na nakayanan ng mga paa ko. When I looked back and saw that I already walked a distance, I sat down on the grass. Mabilis na pinunasan ko ang mga traydor kong luha na sunud-sunod na nagsisibagsakan mula sa mga mata ko.

"Sandy..." She sat beside me and put her arm around my shoulder. "Don't you think it's time to forgive him? To forget?" I looked at her face. She gave me a smile. "Hindi mo man sabihin, alam ko na kaagad na siya ang dahilan kung bakit hindi mo magawa na mag mahal ulit. He's the reason why you're so afraid. Don't you think it's time?"

"Pero hindi ko kaya... kasi ramdam ko pa rin dito." I pointed at my heart. "It can still feel the fear from that pain like it was just yesterday. Hindi ko siya sinisisi Meg, I can forgive him but this fucking heart just remembers the pain."

"Alam mo, kung ako sayo, bilisan mo sa pagkalimot ng nakaraan." She said while shaking his head. "Kapag nakalimutan mo na saka mo lang makukuha yung happiness na gusto mo. It's not healthy to bear the pain from yesterday forever, Sandy. It's not healthy to be always afraid. At some point, kailangan mong harapin lahat ng takot mo."

She gave me a quick hug before she stood up and walked away. I remained seated until I calmed down. Akala ko limot ko na, akala ko okay na ako pero heto, nandito pa rin ako at nagdadrama dahil sa mga nangyari noon na pilit ko nang kinalimutan. When I felt that I'm already calmed down I decided to go back and call it a day. I want to rest. Nakakapagod umiyak. It takes too much energy to cry.

I was about to stand up when my phone in my pocket suddenly rang and my brows furrowed at the sight of my father's name.

"Hello, dad?" I heard a commotion in the background. "Dad is everything okay?"

"Sandy? Sandy are you there?" Biglang nabuhay ang kaba sa dibdib ko dahil sa naririnig kong pag aalala sa boses ni Dad. My instincts told me that something is wrong... that something happened, but I don't want to conclude.