HIDE || Park Junhee [ A.C.E ] ✓

myself

PARK JUNHEE

Let me tell you about myself.

I hate people around me.

Since I was little I always received attention from people. I thought it was normal since I was just a child. During my kindergarten years, the girls fought to get my attention even though I ignore them and never played with them. I never liked to play with girls anyway. I spent my childhood time playing soccer with my friends.
When I got into secondary school, same thing happened. Girls always fought to sit beside me in class. However I end up sitting beside my male friend. I don't intend to sit beside girl. It makes no difference with whoever you sit. I don't think it's a big deal.

At the time, I played soccer a lot that I managed to get into the school's soccer team. I really enjoyed soccer. I even think that I want to be a professional player when I grow up. That's my dream as an 8 year old boy. School was fun at the time. I went to school, study and play soccer.

Things began to change when I got into middle school. Soccer is my  priority. With my talent and ability, I got to be into school's team. I was very happy to be in the team. I trained really hard and even trained at the nearby park in my neighborhood at night. One day, I was kicked out from the school's team with an unknown reason. The coach said everyone wanted me to get out from the team so he just followed everyone's decision. They also said they have someone better to replace me. I found out later that all the boys in the team didn't like me so they can't stand my presence. No wonder they barely talk to me before.

That's when my life started to go downhill. Being a year in the school's soccer team and then got kicked out made my life miserable. I don't know why the boys hate me. I didn't do anything wrong. Now that I had to forget my dream, I had to focus on my study. It's not that I hate study but I never prioritize it before.
I spent a lot of my time in the classroom and library at school. Without noticing, I got a lot of girls attention. It's even more than before. Every morning there's always a few bottles of milk, bread and chocolates on my desk. It was good at first but I began to feel annoyed over the years.

Valentine's day was even worse. Girls queued to give me chocolates. I can't even put all the flowers and chocolates boxes in my school bag so I end up giving some of them to my friends. I don't ask for that. I feel suffocated to get through all those things. I studied really hard to get into a good high school so that I could never met those people who hurt me and those attention seeker girls. Unfortunately, when I got into high school, it was even worse. Everyone looked at me when I walk in the hallways. I'm not actually tall so I don't think that I was noticeable but people still look at me when I passed by.

My high school year was the worse for me. Most of the boys didn't want to be near me. I only end up getting few male friends. A lot of the girls wanted to get close to me but just for the intention to made me be their lover. When their confession was rejected, they never talk to me again.

When the Valentine's day come, I didn't even go to school. I didn't want to go through what I had during middle school days. I don't have any interest in girls. I don't know why but any of them never catched my attention. I even rejected the most popular girl's confession. People think I'm cocky but the truth is I just don't want to hurt their feelings. I don't want to be in a fake relationship. And I don't think being in a relationship can make me happy. Not to mention, I always got at least one love letter left in my locker, under my desk, or in my book every single day. I end up not reading all the letters I got but I don't throw them either. I put them all in a box and keeps it in my closet at home. I would feel even more guilty if I read those letters when I don't have the intention to reply any of them.

I had stalker too. She, I believed, called me every night with a fake man voice saying that she knows what I'm doing, eating and etc. I was being followed every time I went back from school at night. With my strong personality, I'm able to overcome that. I shouted to the person who called me on the phone and to the one who followed me at night. Being in this kind of situation almost everyday in my life forced me to have strong personality. I dare to say no to something that I hate and yes to something that I approved. My self awareness was also very high.

Honestly I hate my life. I'm tired. I lose my dream, I lose my happiness, I lose my freedom all because of my looks. Being good looking, you'll receive love and lots of hate. People hates you because of unnecessary reason. They said you're a playboy, you snatch their girlfriends, you're a jerk, arrogant, narcissist and such. People just love you because of your appearance. People want to make you their lover so that they can brag and put you on display to make themselves proud. I began to hate people around me. They are all fake. My family were the only people that I can trust.

I don't want to suffer anymore. I've had enough. I want to change.