The Downfall Of Grace Griffin

40.

I spent two days in hospital. My parents found out and visited me. Hope visited without the baby. But I hardly saw Roman. I barely spoke or showed any emotion.

I had lost a lot of blood. The doctor tried explaining it to me and had it placed in my medical records for future refences.

Roman drove me home and the car ride was silent. He has barely spoken to me. I can't even bring myself to look at him. I didn't want to see the hurt and disappointment in his eyes.

I got out of the car and went straight to the bedroom, seeing it all cleaned up. The bed had fresh linen on it, there was a new rug on the floor and I had paused by the bed.

The bed linen I had put on the other day was bright yellow. The doona was just as bright with yellow and white hibiscus's. Now it was a teal set. Just plain but bright teal.

I didn't like it. I swallowed the lump in my throat and continued to the bathroom. That was cleaned up as well.

Apparently the front door was shattered down for the paramedics to get in. I had hit my head on the sink as I fainted. From what I over heard, it was a mess.

I had dissolvable stitches in the side of my head, the doctor had to shave a tiny portion of my hair to do it. It was right above my right ear. Next to my temple.

I didn't look at it, I didn't want to see it because I didn't want to look at myself. I gave myself a hot bath and soaked for a while, undisturbed.

Afterwards, I got dressed in trackpants and a singlet, grabbing a spare blanket out of the closet and dragged it out off the room.

I went to a room I knew neither Roman and I don't use, one of many, a sun room, and curled myself up on the couch.

I stayed there for hours, just staying still, being silent.

Roman found me late in the afternoon as I laid on the couch, staring at nothing.

"Do you want anything to eat?" He asked me.

"No, thank you." I answered weakly.

I was waiting for Roman to argue with me but he didn't. Instead he walked out off the room, leaving me there.

I stayed there all the rest of Sunday, all day Monday and Tuesday. I did get up and eat, go to the toilet and afterwards, I went back to my spot. I had let my phone died and refused to talk to anyone.

I needed time and I appreciated Roman for giving me the space. On Wednesday, I got up and showered and decided to visit Hope. I knew I had to face it.

I went to her house, knowing she had been dismissed from hospital and I stayed for only an hour, giving Hope a hug. We spoke about me. I didn't want to, but she kept bringing the topic back up.

I was just shy of nine weeks pregnant. Now I'm not pregnant. I left after meeting her baby, a little boy named Vincent. I congratulated the pair who both looked tired as and as I was walking out the door, Hope called me back, wrapping her arms around me.

I think she was waiting for me to break down, but I didn't. I gave her a hug and pulled away, smiling, telling them I was happy for them both.

That was when I started telling myself that what happened was probably a blessing in disguise.

I started lying to myself.

*****

I couldn't bring myself to sleep on the bed.

Wednesday night, Roman found me staring at the bed, me in my pyjamas, just staring at it. I had changed the sheets again. Now a basic white. White sheets. White pillow cases. White doona cover.