THIS IS A TRIGGER WARNING LIKE HIGH KEY!
Toni's POV
Sitting on the banks of sweet water river thinking of everything and about nothing.
The love of my life is single, hot, and likes me by I'm a coward, anxious, and a dumb fucking bitch and I'm too scared to ask her out. I think about my dad, my uncle and my ex best friend. They were all right, I'm too dumb to love
I'm too much of a slut to ever get a real girlfriend
I'm too messed up for her to ever love me back
I go home and do something that I promised Cher I would never do again
I grab the razor out of the drawer and roll up my sleeves.
I just need to feel pain
I just need to remember to breathe
I just need to be ok
I just need to remember that I'm still here
I make a cut and exhale as the blood begins to show. I think I cut too deep, it's never bled this much before, scared I sit down on the floor with my arm over the bathtub.
My phone starts to buzz and I don't want anyone to worry so I take it out.
"Hey Toni? It's Cheryl, I was wondering if you wanted to go to Pops, on a date?" She says
"Cher, oh I would love to but my bike is broken right now,"
"It's ok Toni I remember the way to your trailer, pick you up in 10?"
"No Cheryl, maybe in like an hour, I'm I'm kinda," I stutter not knowing a good lie and starting to become tired
"Antoinette, what did you do?" She asks
"N-nothing," I stutter
"Toni, it's fine. Just tell me so I can help you,"
"I m-made a mistake," I cry "I'm sorry,"
"Are you at your trailer?" She asks
"Yes,"
"I'm on my way stay on the line please,"
"Ok,"
Every couple minutes she makes sure I'm still awake before she hangs up and I hear her walk in the trailer
"Toni!" She screams
"In here," I moan
She runs through the door and kneels down beside me.
"Toni, are you ok?" She asks "nevermind that was a dumb question,"
"I'm fine Cheryl,"
"Toni.." she says
"I wasn't trying to kill myself I just cut too deep I swear, I'm sorry Cheryl," I cry
I let her down
I let myself down
I let my mom down
I proved everyone right
Dumbass
She doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. Fuck me.
"Toni I know ok? I believe you," she says grabbing the gauze from the cupboard "But we had a deal,"
She cleans it, stops the bleeding and then wraps it up.
"Ok I'm all done," she says helping me up "No drugs, no alcohol, and drink lots of water,"
"I'm sorry," I say looking at my feet
"Look at me Toni," she says "You broke our deal and I'm not happy about it, but we all break sometimes,"
"I just was at Sweetwater River and I was thinking and then my thoughts got deep and my thoughts got way to real and I needed.."
"To escape, to feel human again, right?" She asks
"Ya," I say "To feel normal pain,"
We stand there in a comfortable silence for a bit.
"Thanks for coming Blossom, I'm fine now if you need to head out,"
"I know I have incredibly terrible timing but what are the odds of me being able to take you on that date like promised?" She asks
"I'd say you have a very good chance at that," I smirk
She leads me to her car and we go to Pops.
"Toni one last thing," she says as we step out of her car "I'm not going to push what you were thinking about, I'm not going to ask. But if you need to talk, talk to me or I have a 5 star therapist that I could get you into if you think you need it ok? I don't want to do this again and I can't lose you,"
"I promise," I say
"Are you sure?" She asks
"I promise I will call you or talk to you,"
"Good, now lets get some food into your system," she smiles grabbing my hand
And for the first time in my life
I feel like maybe they're wrong
Maybe they don't know me
Or at least the real me
Maybe love is complicated for me
Maybe my past will haunt me in my future
But maybe, just maybe
I got the girl
And maybe I'll be
Ok
