Toni's POV
I wake up on December 25th.
Christmas- I hate it.
When I was a kid we'd come to school after New Years after the break and everyone would have new things and show everyone everything
But my parents hated me so I got nothing
And I'm not even kidding
My siblings all had stockings and some pretty nice gifts
My mom always said that dinner was my present
I don't know what I ever did to deserve that.
So I wake up and do my regular routine.
I bought C a few things obviously- I'm not an idiot. But I'm not expecting anything.
I've never even gotten a present.
I wrap the things I got her and grab a picture of my old family off my dresser
You can find me right away because I'm not white
They took me away from my real dad when I was still a toddler
This family took me in and said the same thing every year
"The food is your present Toni. The house. Not living in a tent. Not being in a gang. Education- that's your present,"
And I could understand if every kid was treated like that
But all the other kids were given mountains of gifts- every birthday and Christmas.
I remember all the insults they'd throw at me and start crying
I'm still crying when Cher calls me
"Hey baby," I say trying to sound happy
"Merry Christmas!!!" She says "everyone is coming around 3:00. Wanna come a little earlier to hangout?" Cher asks
"Oh Uh for sure babe. I just need to get dressed and I'll be over,"
"Are you crying TT?" She asks
"No,"
"Yes you are, what's wrong?"
"Can we talk when I come over?"
"Do I need to come over T?"
"Cher, baby I'm fine okay? I'll be over in 30 minutes,"
"Promise me?"
"I promise C,"
"Okay, bye,"
"Bye baby,"
I hang up and grab my clothes
I shower and change
"Just do it Toni. No one cares. We don't want you here anyways. You're just a burden. Might as well end it,"
I hate flashbacks
I look at my razor blades, and pills
It would be so easy
I could do it and I wouldn't have to be a disappointment anymore
I go to reach for the blade but see the picture of Cher and I on my mirror
Christmas is her favourite time of year, I can't ruin it for her
I mean she probably hates me anyways- probably wouldn't even care
"Toni stop," I whisper to myself "Cher likes you, a lot, she's expecting you at her house in 20 minutes,"
I tried to kill myself a few months ago but convinced my doctor it was an accident and I forgot that I had already taken pills and wasn't supposed to bathe with them in my system
Cher didn't find me
Nor were we dating yet
But she was the first one at the hospital after Sweetpea.
And she wasn't convinced it was an accident
I call her back and she picks up right away
"Tones is everything okay?"
"I just needed to hear your voice again C, I got really anxious and I just.. sorry- I'll be over soon I'm being stupid,"
"No no Toni, it's okay. You pick up when I get my panic attacks, I'll pick up anytime okay? Do you want me to come pick you up so you don't have to drive?"
"A-actually ya that might be better,"
"Okay, I'll be over in like 10, but don't rush and I can keep you on speaker the whole way okay?"
"Were you busy? Because I can drive. I-I'll be fine,"
"Toni all I was doing was reading and waiting for you. I'm coming okay?"
"Thank you,"
"No problem,"
She stays on the phone while I calm down and change.
I straighten my hair and put a beanie on, then start putting light makeup to cover some of my acne.
"Babes I'm here," Cher says "want me to come in?"
"Ya sure, I'll be just a couple minutes, door is open,"
She comes in and I'm still tying my shoes on my bed
"Good morning baby," she says bending down and kissing my cheek
"Good morning," I sigh "I'm sorry C, I just got upset this morning,"
"Wanna talk about it?"
"Later, lets get to your house,"
"T you wonder why you aren't happy at home- this place is depressing. There's no decorations, or a tree, and even when it's not the holidays there is no colour it's all grey,"
"I'm fine Cher,"
She lets it go and I grab her presents and we go
We drive in a comfortable silence and she puts her hand on my thigh.
I kiss her cheek.
"Merry Christmas babygirl," I say as we pull in "I'm sorry I've been a grinch, just not my time of year,"
"It's alright Tones, I didn't mind coming over,"
I bring the presents in and put them on the counter
"Tones can we talk about what was happening this morning?" She asks
"Sure,"
We sit at her counter and I sigh
"Don't burger lying either, I saw the razor blade," she says "noticeably no blood, but .."
"There definitely could've been," I say before she can rant any further "Cher my childhood was never great, but around the holidays my family always isolated me. I started thinking it's because I was not white, but it could've been something else,"
"Tones.."
"It just hurts sometimes remembering everything they'd say about me- and about the community I came from," I sigh "like I knew they were poor, but the books and the teachings I remember it was a very peaceful,"
She hugs me and I smile
At least she likes me
"Christmas is a hard time for a lot of people T, and I get how hard it could be for you- but I love you okay? Truly, I've wanted to tell you for a while. I love you Toni Topaz,"
I gasp and take a long breath out
"I love you too C, always have,"
She kisses me and I smile
"You never ever think you aren't loved Toni. Or wanted, or any of that- I am always here. Every Christmas, every holiday- I promise okay?" She says hugging me
"Okay," I say smiling "thank you Cher,"
She kisses my cheek and smiles
"Let's get these presents under the tree TT, for when Ron's gets here,"
I nod and pick the gifts up.
She goes to the living room and I follow to see a large tree with a few presents underneath
I sigh and know they're all for Ronnie and Betty and whoever else is coming.
I put the presents down and something catches my eye.
"T what's wrong?"
I pick up the present and gasp
To: Toni
From: Cheryl ❤️
"Tones, what's wrong?" Cher giggles "it's old wrapping paper, but I thought it'd be fine,"
"This is to me?" I ask in disbelief
"Of course, you're my girlfriend," she laughs "what's wrong with it?"
"I thought you were cooking dinner?"
"I can't feed my girlfriend and get her a couple gifts for Christmas?"
"I've.. never gotten anything,"
"Never gotten a Christmas gift?"
"I've never gotten a gift, for christmas or my birthday or like.. Easter? I don't know if that's a thing but my siblings all got cash,"
"And what did you get?" She asks confused
"They said my gift was them adopting me and the meal I was getting that night,"
"You didn't get anything?"
"I got a meal,"
She rubs my back and kisses my cheek.
"Open it," she says
"No it's okay, we can wait," I sigh
"T, no- c'mon. It's your first ever present. Open it baby,"
I sit down with it and carefully unwrap it.
It's a sweater I've been looking at forever. And a bracelet that matches the one I always borrow from her,"
"Thank you Cher," I whisper
"It's my pleasure baby, merry Christmas,"
"Merry Christmas,"
She kisses my temple and I smile
This is the best Christmas ever
An: sometimes the holidays are the hardest part of the year- remember I love you and you make someone happy every day just by being you 💓
Love you all
-crl
