I look everywhere but at Shawn. At the clock, time was going slow when I needed it to hurry. Outside, the snow was melting and sun was coming through, end of February was looking lovely on Canada.
"Erm you look great Bella"
He begins ever so awkwardly.
"I look awful, you don't have to comment on how I look" I mumble. "Right" he nods.
"I'm sorry Bella. I am completely sorry with my whole heart and body and everything else"
There's a better start. I look up now meeting his eyes, his pretty looking eyes. It showed that he was now showing all his emotion, all this built up sadness.
"The words I said that day I take them all back. You are the most amazing person to enter my life, the most caring person I know Bella and I'm sorry I hurt you"
I bring up my hand to wipe my tears.
"Why'd you say it then Shawn? If you take it all back why say it in the first place?" I say in a low voice afraid I'll start sobbing. "The words you'd said and how you said them made me feel so... ugly, worthless and empty-"
"Bells-"
"Let me talk" I cut him off. I was ready to explain all my feelings right here.
"I truly did love you Shawn. I told you I was afraid and scared at the fact someone might not love me back. I told you that you were my first love" I wait for a second to clear the knot in my throat.
"I trusted you with everything Shawn. Not even that, I let you in my life, let you hold me at night, let you help me when I was hurting and for what? For you to be lying to me all this time" I scoff sadly. His eyes prick with tears and he doesn't keep them off me.
"You said I betrayed you, by not telling you about France but you what you did was worse. I asked you, did you really love me? And you said you never did" I let out a small sob and hold my face in my hands looking away.
"We spent so much time together just saying those words, you never meant them. You had the nerve to tell me you love me, you're the liar Shawn... not me- not me. I did love you, like I really did to the point where I'm so deep what you said still hurts a little"
And there it was out in the open. Everything I felt out in the open.
"I erm... give me a second" Shawn mumbles. He clears his throat and I feel him move beside me, he takes my body gently back into his arms and let's me cry. I hear him sniffle too but he holds me close and tries his best to compose himself as I sob into his chest.
Yes I was crying, I felt empty but I felt good in his arms.
"I told you I lied at the hospital. I did, I thought it would help me get over you if I just said it out loud except it didn't help. I was being irrational and I took my anger out on you. I knew you'd be back and we'd be okay but this devil in my head kept telling me you'd find someone better" he says honestly.
I move back to look at him. "I missed your gorgeous blue eyes, your perfectly black hair" his hand goes from my cheek up to my hair, his fingers massaging my skin.
"I missed your beauty, waking up to you and having you beside me. I missed your touch Bella. I was never drunk when I called or posted. I simply wanted to hear your voice" he admits. "Your voice gave me peace Bells, just your fucking voice is beautiful" he pulls me closer and rests his forehead against mine.
"I lied about not loving you, which is the cruelest thing I've ever done and I'm sorry it was to you, you, the most gentle girl I know" he now whispers, so close to my lips.
"Because I do Bella. I love you, I love you so god dam much I can't think, sleep or eat all I can do is think about you" his eyes clench shut then he opens them and a tear rolls down his cheek.
I bring my hand up and wipe it away with my thumb.
"Forgive me or don't Bells, I'll understand. Love me or don't, that's okay. I'm here for you and the bean" his one hand goes to my stomach.
My breath hitches and I accidentally brush my lips against his. "I- I can't say it back yet" I whimper. "Then don't" he shakes his head, his nose brushing mine. "And don't kiss me, please" I beg him quietly.
"One last time?" He ask, his eyes fluttering to my lips.
"Not one last time. Just once more for now" I tell him whispering so close to his lips.
"Once more for now Bells"
He starts slow, lips brushing mine, silk on silk. Gently pulling me closer, a hand on my jaw guiding me towards him. My eyes flutter shut as I enjoy my heaven on earth.
His tongue slips in, moving so carefully against mine like I'm a china doll. His cold ring makes contact with my skin and I jump closer to him. Both my hands go to his face, skin on skin.
I let him control the way he moves me for another thirty seconds and I pull back.
"I'm so incredibly lucky to have you" he says pulling me in for a hug. "And the baby" he says near my ear.
I close my eyes and breath in deeply.
This is my peace.
____ Uffff I. Am. Emotional.
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