Fleeting on Dragonfly Wings

Confessions of the Boy

I opened my eyes to find myself eye level with Sal's ink above his heart. I wanted to trace my finger along it, what I honestly wished to do with all of his tattoos. There were three swirls, stemming from the same point, contained in a circle. I had seen it once before, on the flag for Medowlark in a textbook. That was so long ago, in a history textbook in Ofendel. 

I felt Salvador stir. The sheets beneath him were still damp. The middle of the night, I interrupted his sleep with my stupid fucking nightmares. I shivered even though his warmth was all over me, filling me. It woke him up. I hated myself.

I removed myself from his arms, sitting back on the bed. He moved himself up, leaning against the pillows and the black headboard. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, stretching his arms. He did this every morning. It was one of the things I came to love about him.

"I'm really sorry about last night," I brought my hands up, scratching at my neck. I hated sincere apologies and Salvador kept them pouring out of me.

"It's fine, love," he yawned.

"I..." I hesitated. I had to do it. "I should probably explain it to you. Because...because we're committed to each other and this happens so fucking often, you need to know. I'm...I'm nothing like I seem on the outside. I'm completely fucked up."

A lump presented itself in my throat. I held it back. I knew it was only going to get stronger until it overpowered me. I took a shaky breath deep deep deep into my lungs.

"My name is Caius Scartunt," I said. "I am born of Evan Scartunt and Christie Scartunt. I am of the Nocturne Eve Fae, in Listandel, Newartic. I am nineteen years old, born under the blood moon."

"'He Nocturne Eve?" he asked.

"Yes," I breathed. "I was...I used to be abused by my father. I don't know, when my sister Analeise was born," I challenged the lump. "When she was born, my father turned all his wrath against me. He wanted only daughters, because...because female constellations sell at a much higher price to Fretela Star Fae. I was useless to him. Boys don't sell at decent prices."

I threw myself back against the bed. I stretched out on my back. Maybe this way I could keep the tears in.

"My father took his wrath out on my body for years," I continued. "There isn't a bone in my body that hasn't been broken at least once. I don't understand why he stopped caring about me. I don't understand love because I never felt it. My sisters, even my own mother, wouldn't approach me unless he was gone. I didn't know how to fly. I wasn't allowed to go to school. Everything I learned, was through books. He thought having a boy in the bloodline would taint the prices he could sell my sisters at. He kept me hidden for so long.

I gave up, tears falling. "I ran away. The day I turned thirteen, I punched him in the face and ran. I was found by a nun of Mother Gaia. The others at her church sent me to a boarding school. I finally got to learn, and I excelled far above my classmates. I was skilled. But I also learned that with my body, my father broke my mind. I'm not sane, Salvador, I'm the furthest from it."

I threw my arm up over my eyes. So much crying in two days after resisting it for so long. I hated it. I didn't want Sal to see me so weak. That's exactly what my father had thought of me. I hated it. 

"Is 'at why-"

"Why I prowl and sleep with anything I can? Because yes, it gives me a toxic sense of control in my life. You give me the most addictive feelings of all, and I hate hurting you. I don't want to hurt you, Salvador."

He laid next to me. His finger traced down my stomach, where I knew there were scars. There were scars everywhere, some darker and deeper than others. I knew them. I hated them. His fingers outlined some of my deepest scars.

"Wasn' 'hat I wanted to ask," his voice was so close to my ear. "I was gonna ask if 'at's 'here all ya scars came from?"

"Most of them," I felt my cheeks glow, knowing the mess that was against my inner thigh. I crossed my legs, hiding it. Still, it burned. 

Salvador kissed me, his face hovering just about my arm. I moved it, pulling him closer to me, my hand falling on the nape of his neck. I couldn't believe that I had spilled everything to him so willingly. I had planned to lock it up as far down as possible. 

"I love you, no ma'er 'here you're from," Salvador whispered in my ear. "Nothin' can 'urt ya while I'm 'ere."

He began to kiss the scars that adorned my body. I tensed, resisting at first. The more he did it, the more calm I became. He laid down beside me. His fingers grazed my inner thigh, the skin felt so raw, so sensitive. I shivered. 

"'Cept those?" he wondered, his eyes finding them.

"Except those," I managed to say. "I thought he could never hurt me as much as I hurt myself. Then it became a sense of control until...well until I found you."

"I'm sorry," Salvador whispered, his face drawn with sadness. "Ya 'ad 'ings so awful, I don' know 'hat to say."

"Tell me you'll never leave me," I grabbed his shoulders, pulling him closer to me. "Tell me that you'll never tell another soul. Tell me that I don't scare you as much as I scare myself. Tell me you don't mind it when I cry, even though I'm a hideous weeping mess."

"I'm not gonna leave," he grinned."I won' tell anyone. Ya don' scare me, I rather like ya. An' I don't mind it when ya cry, it shows me you still 'ave somethin' alive inside of ya. An' I love ya, as messy as ya are."

I crashed my lips into his like waves upon a shore. Salvador was my holy angel, the siren that called me to healing rather than death. I couldn't dare myself to part from him. I needed him now, now that he knew what lurked beneath my surface. My hand rested on his neck, the other gracing his lower back. He was too tall for it to reach his ass. I didn't mind though. As insane and carnal as I felt, I didn't want to rip him apart today. I just wanted to behold and be held by him.

I had ripped a knife across my abdomen, spilling everything I had once contained inside. For once, I didn't feel afraid of what haunted my mind. I felt better now that I had confided in my partner.

"I can't promise anything," I looked to Salvador. "I'm unpredictable."

"I can live with 'at," Sal smiled.

In my world, the days were blue, the color of the sky and the water and the one I had come to hold so dearly. The nights were red, filled with passion and desire so deep, I dared not let it escape.

And when Salvador was called off to a mission for two days, I took my can of paint from where I had hidden it. My ceiling bore the name of my saving grace.

Salvador Salvador Salvador Salvador Salvador Salvador Salvador Salvador. A million times, Salvador.