𝕤𝕒𝕟 𝕗𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕔𝕚𝕤𝕔𝕠 • 𝕝.𝕙

fifteen

"Lex, are you sleeping?"

I opened my eyes to glance over to my side, to see Luke propped up on his elbows. 

"No."

The moon was peeking through the white curtains of Luke's room, the both of us bathing in the milky light, staring at each other without a word. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say.

We'd made it back from Santa Cruz late, and instead of dropping me home, Luke and I had agreed on letting me stay at his place. I didn't know if it was a good idea. I was feeling like every decision I made against putting distance between the both of us was gradually blurring more and more lines. What were we? I didn't even know him. I didn't even know what I was doing.

"Okay," he said quietly. "You should sleep, though. It was a busy day."

"I know," I whispered. I pulled my phone out from under my pillow to check the time. "Oh, my God."

"What's that?" Luke enquired, cocking his head to the side.

"My best friend Lisa just got engaged," I breathed out. "Shit. She's been with that guy for like, ten years. And the wedding is in two weeks. How are they going to pull this shit?"

Luke smiled. "That's great."

"Yeah," I nodded, still staring at my phone screen. "Woah. I'm shocked."

"Do you ever think about getting married?" Luke asked.

"Oh, no," I shook my head and made a face. "No. I'm excited for Lisa, though. I can't wait."

He chuckled. "I'm glad."

"Kind of making me reconsider all of my life choices," I admitted. 

"What kind?" Luke had laid down on his side now, staring at me. He seemed intrigued.

I put my phone down on the floor, and stared at the ceiling. "I don't know. Maybe I've seen enough of San Francisco, of this job, of everyone here. I don't know if I'm happy here."

"Are you thinking of leaving?"

"Maybe. No. I don't know," I rubbed my forehead with my hand. It was too late to discuss huge life changes. "I don't want to have to do this by myself."

"You said before," Luke noticed. "I guess what matters is your happiness."

"Yeah," I turned around, backing him. "I don't want to talk anymore. I'm too tired."

Luke didn't answer, and I could feel him shifting ever so slightly, approaching my body, and wrapping his arms around me. And for a reason that I even ignored myself, I let him, grabbing his hand and holding it tight against my chest.

I felt a wave of warmth radiating through my body, and my breathing calmed down. I felt as if I was enveloped in a cloud, my body gently rocked by Luke's breathing on my neck, coddled like a newborn baby. I never wanted to leave the cocoon. For the first time, I wondered if that was what it all would be like if I decided to let myself fall for Luke.

What would happen if I brushed off the sad ideas that came whenever I felt his arms around me? If I let go of all of my pre-made ideas, the ones that would always try to convince me that I was better off all alone? I didn't even know if I wanted to be alone. I liked Luke, and even if admitting it felt like burning parts of my heart, it was the case. I felt trapped by my own feelings.

Maybe I'd give it a try. Maybe I'd allow it to go further, put aside my fears and my doubts. Maybe this was what I deserved. Somebody who made it clear they liked me. Luke's eyes said it all. And even if he still made me nervous, even if the tension was still here, it was getting harder for him to keep up with the bad boy persona.