𝕤𝕒𝕟 𝕗𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕔𝕚𝕤𝕔𝕠 • 𝕝.𝕙

twenty-six

I didn't know if moving to Oregon with no second thought had been a mistake or the greatest thing that had ever happened to me. Even now, three weeks after all of that had happened, I was still wondering, and longing for what I used to have.

Would I ever be truly satisfied? Why could I never be the happy, positive person I wanted to be? Maybe it just wasn't in my DNA. But I was exhausted of the old Lex Williams, and the cynical, dissatisfied bitch she had become.

The job was fine, easy enough. The pay was a lot better, and the new apartment was something out of a fucking movie. Oregon was cheaper than California, and it showed on the properties that people were ranting out. I had never lived somewhere so cute. It even put my San Francisco house to shame.

I walked down the stairs that led to my living room, yawning as I dragged my feet across the floor, slowly reaching the kitchen and my precious cup of coffee.

As I sat on the balcony and watched people walk by on that September morning, I thought about how much I adored fall. I always felt back like it was snapping me back into reality after an endless summer that had felt like nothing but a dream, after my last days in California. The memories felt almost unreal, but they were good memories I was cherishing every single day.

I was missing Lisa. Living so far away from your best friend felt like a nightmare. Making new friends was especially more difficult as you grew older, and I felt as if I didn't really fit in at work. There was already little friendship groups scattered around the office, who was I to step in and impose my presence to people? I had just decided to let things go the way they were meant to go. I was no longer questioning destiny. That was something I had learned in this past month.

What about Andy and Mia? Well, as far as I knew, they were both doing amazing. My replacement in the office was a gorgeous and kind girl called Mack, and they had already adopted her. It was heart warming, and also, a tiny bit infuriating. I mean, I was Lex Williams, for goodness' sake!

What about Luke?

Well... Luke. 

It had been a very upsetting break-up, to say the least.

Of course, when Luke read that gas station text, he freaked out. Who wouldn't? And even now, when I thought about it, why did I do this? Why couldn't I do things the right way?

Hearing his voice when he called me up a second later felt like heartbreak. 

And even if I had my reasons, even if he knew I wasn't happy, none of it made it easier. Nothing was easy about having the person you thought loved you walking away without a word.

I could hardly believe what I had done to him. I couldn't gather my thought process back then. Thought I'd cooked up the perfect plan, all was good, except at the time I hadn't realised that I felt Luke in my heart so deeply, and that once I was gone, I would want to stay inside for days. I felt so blue. Even Oliver hadn't had this much control over my heart. 

I kept thinking about San Francisco because of him. I was so close to coming back just to get back to where we started. I wanted to get back to where we started.

Now, in Portland, I was all alone, for real, this time. I was all alone and Luke was all I had. I missed everything about him. I missed the times when he was all mine. I could have kept him, only if I hadn't been so stupid and inclined to self-sabotaging.

At night I would be dying to call him and to ask him to start all over again, but he was in California, and I was in Oregon, so what was the point? Long distance relationships were bullshit, and I would never be able to keep up with it.

I knew I loved him then. And I knew I loved him still. Getting over him felt like the hardest thing in the world, but could you blame me?

I smoked hard on my cigarette and took a deep breath. I felt like crying. Remembering what I'd left made me want to weep for days, and that was why I distracted myself to avoid all of it. Maybe that was my mistake, avoiding things, and not speaking my mind.

I didn't know how a three months relationship had made me fall so hard, but a large part of me hated it. I hated myself, mostly, for becoming that person who was nostalgic about something that had barely been. But when I thought about it all, it had happened. It had been something.

Like a breath of fresh air, everything that I had been craving while being with Oliver had been handed to me on a fucking silver platter, and I had shoved it all into my gargantuan mouth, asking for more. Nothing was ever enough. Nothing would ever satisfy me. If Luke couldn't, who could? I was eternally doomed.

But I missed him. It was all I wanted him to know. That I missed him.