𝕤𝕒𝕟 𝕗𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕔𝕚𝕤𝕔𝕠 • 𝕝.𝕙

twenty-eight

I woke up that night in a cold sweat, my whole heart hurting. I felt as if it was about to bust out of my chest, it was beating so hard. And I was all alone.

This was the main emotion I had felt those past three weeks. Not excitement, not anticipation, hell, not even relief. I had fled what I loved, deep inside, and for what? Fear of commitment?

That was so fucking classic.

I hadn't texted Luke back. I didn't think I wanted to pour salt on old wounds, and getting back to him would do just that. It was not an ideal situation we both were in, and I didn't believe that he or I were ready to make amends.

And it was too late, right? Much too late for us to get back to whatever we had back then. 

I didn't want to look back then, even though I did. I remembered everything, even the most trivial things. It was crazy how much of an impact this had had on me. I didn't think I was ever going to get over it, even though I would. I didn't want to go on, but I would. It was what life was all about, right? Surviving and making it work on your own. 

As I stared at my ceiling, at 2 a.m., everything inside of me craved for Luke. Nothing else mattered at that very second. I was itching to pick up my phone and call him. A call couldn't hurt, right? It was so late. There was no way he would pick up, either.

Somehow, telling myself that made it that much easier to grab my phone and dial his number.

I put it to my ear as it began ringing. I was dying to hang up the phone, but either way, it was too late. He would get the notification regardless of what he or I did, and he would then...

"Lex?"

His voice startled me. I froze, unable to get words out.

"Are you there?" he continued. 

My hands were shaking. "Um, Luke..."

"That's a random time to call me," he joked. "If we were in the same town, I'd think you were booty calling me."

"Um, wow... I'm sorry, I shouldn't... This... this was a bad idea. I'll call..."

"No, don't hang up," he cut me off. "Please."

"I have to get back to sleep," I countered. "I am truly sorry I called."

"You're doing the thing again," his voice sounded frustrated.

"What do you mean?" I sat up in my bed.

"You just take a step forward, and two back. This is... frustrating."

"Oh, wow, Luke. Um... Okay. Is this what this is going to turn into?"

"Please, don't..." he began.

"For fuck's sake, Luke," I snapped back. "I called you because I thought I missed you, but you're just being... Just... So Luke. So fucking typically Luke."

"Well, you're free to hang up, then," he just said. A short silence followed. "If you think that I'm so awful. You didn't have to call me in the middle of the night."

"I know."

"What do you want, Lex?"

"I just... I just really miss you," the words just flowed out. I began to feel tears forming in my eyes. "I don't think I've felt more desperate for anything in my entire life than to see you."

"I know," he answered.

"I just don't know what to do. I feel so out of place here. I feel so alone."

"I'm honestly not sure what to tell you," he just sighed. "It's really late."

I was crying by now. It sounded like I was just exhausting him. Like he was done with my bullshit, and to be quite honest, I understood. I was sick of my own stuff as well. And I didn't know why I just kept on expecting people to sort my shit out for me, or for them to take me back after I'd installed a feeling of bore and desperation in their hearts. I was the least exciting person I knew, and yet, it felt like I was the most toxic.

"You know what, I should just go," I blubbered. "I'm genuinely sorry I woke you up."

"I would love to come to Portland, you know," he said. "But there is a reason why I haven't."

That last sentence was enough to feel like my heart was dropping inside of my body. I felt a cold sweat forming on my forehead.

"You're the one who texted me," I reminded him. "I just, I mean... You know what you sent."

"I know," he almost cut me off. "And I did it because I do miss you, but it's just... It's just not a thing anymore."

"You are such a dick, what... Why?"

"I don't know," he responded quickly. "Shall we ask Calum?"

At this moment, I wanted to throw my phone against the wall, and defenestrate myself. I got up from my bed, phone in hand, and walked quickly towards my coat that was draped over my brown leather desk chair, retrieving my  pack of cigarettes while attempting to keep this very unpleasant conversation going.

"Luke. It really wasn't..."

"Wasn't it?" his voice boomed through the phone. I put him on loudspeaker as I sat down on my windowsill, lighting a cigarette. "I know everything, Alexis."

"You think you know everything," I stared into the distance as I caught my reflection in the opened window. I looked down at the phone screen. "But I don't think you do. I don't think you do at all."

I could hear him moving his phone around. "I think I know enough. I think I know that you had sex with one of my best friends while we were in a relationship. Yes, I said relationship..."

"Stop it," I cut him off.

"I said relationship because we both agreed on it. And I know you just would have loved us being in a confusing, sort of mystical one-way thing. But we weren't. We were fully committed and you knew it and still decided to do this..."

"I was tired of everything," I tried to justify myself, but I knew it was too late. I knew I had deeply, deeply fucked up. "And I didn't mean to..."

"I have heard enough excuses. I am so tired of it. Excuses. From Calum, and from you. Alexis, I liked you so much, and maybe I loved you, too, I just don't know at this point," he paused. "You need to learn how to treat people. You cannot go around and completely disregard my emotions. And I know that you know this."

"I am really sorry," was all that I could manage to say through the tears. "I just..."

"I am not coming to Portland. I miss you, so fucking much, but I am not being treated like this. I am not bearing any more of your selfishness. I am not playing a part in this why won't you love me relationship."

"I understand," I threw my cigarette down onto the street. I wiped my nose and my cheeks that were covered by tears by now.

"This is so boring, you know? You bore me to death, and yet I want more. And I don't know why," he added. "I just don't know why."

I sniffled and grabbed my phone.

"I don't know why, either," I said, before hanging up.