𝕤𝕒𝕟 𝕗𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕔𝕚𝕤𝕔𝕠 • 𝕝.𝕙

thirty-three

Sat at the back of the taxi, having left without a word, I fumbled with my phone case as I felt the car doing the familiar turns that led to Luke's place. 

I hadn't come up with a lie yet to explain why my car was, indeed, parked outside his place. And why I wasn't anywhere near. I was not going to tell him about Calum and me, or maybe I was - I wanted to be honest with him, because at this point, what did I have to lose? Luke was not going to take me back regardless of what had happened. And no, we weren't dating anymore, but I don't think it made the situation any better. If anything, it made it even more confusing and messed up. Why did I have to go for more? I hated Calum. We did not get along.

There were no excuses, not even the one that I was at the very bottom of the dark, deep hole that was my life. No excuses, even though I had been touch depraved for a month and two weeks. 

At that moment, I felt so hollow and blue, and I wished the car could have swerved onto the main road and gotten hit by a truck, killing me in the process. There was no point anymore.

"We're here," a voice called out.

"Huh?" I looked up, and noticed the stern look of the taxi driver in the rear view mirror.

"We're here."

"Oh right," I undid my seat belt, and grabbed my bag. "Thanks."

I stepped outside of the car, the hot air slapping me across the face. Autumn in California was no autumn at all, and I could feel a sweat forming underneath my denim jacket. I breathed hard, defeated and looking up at the sky. The tires of the taxi screeched and left the parking lot quickly, leaving me in the middle of it, bag on the floor, wishing that I didn't have to do this. Wishing that I didn't have to face Luke.

I looked up at the window of his apartment, and couldn't see him. 

I whined out loud, wanting to cry, grabbed my bag and began walking towards the front door. I typed the numbered code, and was let in.

I walked up the stairs as slowly as I could, dragging my whole body towards his front door. My legs were in pain and I still felt dizzy from the day before. My denim pants were hiding the mess, thankfully, and you could barely tell I was still more or less on a comedown.

I arrived at Luke's front door, and let out a huge sigh. I was begging for him to not be home, so I could get my car, and leave. Actually, now that I was thinking of it, I hated myself for even going up in the first place. Maybe I should have just gone into my car and left without a word. I looked around me carefully, making sure no one was around, and slowly turned around away from the door, ready for the great escape. As my foot hit the first step, I could hear the door behind me opening.

I didn't want to turn around. I knew what was behind me.

"What are you doing?"

The Australian accent and the soft voice felt so familiar. A wave of nostalgia and tenderness rushed through me, and I just wanted to cry. I wanted to erase everything that had happened up to this point to meet him for the first time again. What a cruel fate it was to have to be without him. What a cruel fate it was to let go.

I turned around slowly, and glanced at him quickly. He was stood there, holding the door handle, and staring at me. His hair was down and he was wearing checkered trousers and a white t-shirt. He looked beautiful, and I wanted to cry even more, just looking at him.

"Nothing," I just said.

"Why is your car there?"

"No reason."

"Lex..." he closed his eyes in frustration, rubbing his temple. "Really..."

"I had to leave it there," I spoke up, still not moving an inch. "I went for a walk."