𝕤𝕒𝕟 𝕗𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕔𝕚𝕤𝕔𝕠 • 𝕝.𝕙

twenty-four

Had I made the right choice by refusing the promotion and staying in San Francisco?

Part of me wanted to think I had. I was choosing love and comfort over my itching need to get out of this city.

I wanted to change but I didn't know how. I had become afraid of being alone, and that was the one thing I had wanted to avoid getting into a relationship. Of course, I had to ruin everything by being the crazy girlfriend who would sacrifice her life to stay by her lover's side. I was becoming everything I hated. I loved Luke, and never wanted to be without him, but I wanted to get out of here. I always had.

Luke didn't know that I was staying for him. He thought I was comfortable in my routine and that I really, really loved my job and friends, so much, in fact, that I was saying no to the chance I had to take a sharp turn and change my future. 

Nothing was going to change the way I felt being here. I wanted out, but I was just too afraid.

"What are you thinking about?" Luke's voice echoed from across the room. I turned around.

"Just thinking about stuff," I shrugged, my eyes glancing at the TV screen again. I shoved noodles in my mouth.

"Ah, well," he replied. "I don't assume you want to go out for dinner, seen as you're eating right now."

"Yeah, I don't think I do," I said. "I don't know. I feel like I want to go home."

"Okay."

"Sorry," I put the noodles aside. "I'm just gonna go, now. I'll call you later. Maybe I'll stop feeling weird."

"Right."

The atmosphere in the room felt as cold as the Arctic. I had gotten a sudden urge to get out, and knew that Luke wouldn't understand, no matter how I'd explain it. I loved the bones of this man but also was aware that he could be oblivious about a lot of things.

I mean, he was oblivious about how I was feeling, although I was right in front of his eyes most of the time. Either he was just a man, and he didn't know how to recognise obvious signs of boredom and inadequacy, or I was excellent at concealing my feelings.

Either way, this sucked. Big time.

I stood up from Luke's sofa and took a few steps towards him. His eyes were fixed on his phone, and when I softly kissed his cheek, he barely moved and did not look up.

"Okay. Bye," I just said. 

"See ya."

Internally rolling my eyes, I walked towards the front door and slammed it behind me, the wall slightly shaking as I did.

I took a deep breath, fumbling through my bag to find my pack of cigarettes, as I started making my way down the stairs to walk onto the parking lot, the sound of my heeled boots hitting the concrete getting louder with every step I was taking.

The heat was almost unbearable at this time of the year. The sun felt like a hot rock on top of my head, and as I walked to my car, I let out a loud sigh as I blew out my cigarette smoke. The pavement felt hot, even through the soles of my shoes.

I opened my car door, hopping in, cigarette still in my hand. I rolled the window down and turned on the radio, closing my eyes and letting my head fall against the headrest. I felt my phone vibrate, and glanced over at it. I smiled, a rush of excitement going through me.

The guilt began to engulf me, but not enough to stop me from throwing my cigarette butt out of the driver's seat window, from starting my car and beginning to drive full speed down the narrow lane.