𝕤𝕒𝕟 𝕗𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕔𝕚𝕤𝕔𝕠 • 𝕝.𝕙

twenty-five

What had happened with Calum was a mistake that I could only blame on me. 

Alcohol and soft drugs had been involved, but this was not excusing what I had done, and the next two nights I had spent in bed trying to sleep had been nightmarish. 

I couldn't talk to Luke, and I couldn't not talk to him. I couldn't see him, because knowing that he didn't know was breaking my own heart. I had done this to myself, and at that instant, I  only had myself to blame. Not even Calum. He knew what he was doing, but I also knew that I had fallen right into his trap. 

And now, I was leaving. I was going to Portland and there was no going back.

I had spent the last couple of days in a haze, running to every possible letting agency and picking whoever gave me the quickest deal. It was irresponsible to have picked the first one and I knew there was a possibility of me losing a lot of money, but I had to find something as fast as I could, before Luke could come and find me. 

Of course I hadn't told him I was leaving. Of course he thought we were still together and that I was just having a few bad days. I would text him sporadically and he had just accepted that I was going through some things. The more I thought about it, the more I hated myself for running away the way I was about to. But it was needed. It was what was better for me, and even though this would break his heart, I felt as if I had no choice. 

I was tired of being pressured into being in a relationship when I didn't think I was ready. Catching feelings was one thing- committing was entirely different. And I had so much to look forward to in life. Being committed to someone after breaking up with the person I thought was the love of my life was not exactly the path I wanted to put myself on.

Did I love Luke? I think I did. I wasn't completely sure because of the way I had acted, and because I was leaving right now without telling him. I had declined his calls and ignored his texts for as long as I possibly could, and I didn't want him to know. 

It was stupid, because I knew he would, at some point.

I hauled my bags into the back of my car and felt like I was going to cry.

"You all set?" Lisa's voice called from behind me.

"Thanks for letting me leave shit in your basement," I muttered, not even turning to her. "It was a bit precipitated. I'll pay for a truck to come collect it next week or so."

"Okay," she responded. "That's no worries."

I turned to face her, and she smiled at me.

"What?"

"You're crazy, Lex Williams."

"I know what's best for me. And I don't think San Francisco is where I want to be," I tried to justify myself. I knew she was right, and that I probably was straight-up insane.

"What if the apartment is really ratty and you just want to run back to your old house?"

"I mean, it probably will be ratty," I chuckled. "My boss sorted it out for me. She hates me."

"Hates you so much she sorted your housing out," Lisa smiled.

"Whatever," I answered. "It'll be okay."

She nodded. Her hair blew softly in the hot summer breeze. "I hope Luke is okay."

The mention of his name felt like a knife lodging itself in the pit of my stomach.

"He will be, Lisa. He's a big boy."

"I'm sure. Please come back soon, Lex."

I pulled her into a hug. "I will do. But first, let me see how I feel after the ten-hours drive."

"Jesus, Lex. Fine."

I flashed her a quick smile, before taking a deep breath and stepping inside of my car, letting myself fall heavily in the leather car seat. The September temperatures were getting lower by the day, and I was happy that the summer had gone, now. One hell of a summer that had been.

I put my sunglasses on and looked out at Lisa, who was still here.

"Drive safe, Lex."

I nodded at her, the lump in my throat making it nearly impossible for me to say anything at all.

I began driving the car, watching as my old street was disappearing behind me. It was like one of those movies when they're driving away from everything they ever knew,  staring into the rearview mirror. The heartache felt real, and only in that moment was I truly realising what I was leaving behind.

Was I going to turn around and cancel everything? Now was not the time. I was not a quitter, although the actions I was taking at this very moment were telling me the complete opposite.

I felt as if I physically had to leave. I couldn't keep my life on hold for one person, and I knew that a three-months relationship wouldn't be enough to take someone with me in a whole completely different state to start again. Long distance was not an option, either. Nothing would be enough to keep Luke by my side, not even all of me. He was more than I deserved.

I had been driving for what felt like twenty hours when I pulled over to a gas station on the side of the highway, desperate for a power nap, a coffee, and a cigarette.

I turned the music down as I found a parking spot right at the edge between the trees and the tiny, dimly lit shop.

It was almost eight o'clock and the night was falling slowly. I had been driving for six hours and was more than halfway through the drive that would take me to my new place. I felt both excited and terrified, and the feeling in my gut was almost indescribable.

I took a deep breath and rubbed my eyes, opening the mirror above my head to do a quick face check. Terrible, just as I had expected it to be. I groaned quietly and slammed it shut again, turning off the radio, at last, and digging through my hand bag for change and my cigarettes.

I got a coffee and stood outside of the shop, cigarette hanging from my lips. I took a sip of coffee and breathed loud.

I had been too scared to check my phone for the past few hours. I didn't want to. I just wanted to throw it away and disappear completely.

But, of course, this wasn't right. I pulled it out of my pocket and deactivated plane mode, going against my very own will. Obviously, what popped on the screen made me want to cry.

Luke was asking me where I was, and why I wasn't at my house. I had about a thousand missed calls and voicemails. 

I closed my eyes, trying to focus for a second. Maybe it was time to break the silence. I felt pathetic.

I sat on the side of the sidewalk and set my coffee on the side, anxiously staring at my phone screen. I had to say something, and I knew his reaction would be horrible, and I was heartless. I had never hated myself more than in that moment.

Hey Luke,

I left for Portland earlier today. I'm sorry for doing this to you and being a coward. I don't expect you to forgive me or to even come with me. I didn't know what to say. I've never felt more sorry and guilty in my entire life.

I love you, or at least I think I do, but I'm not happy. I won't ever be happy if I stay in San Francisco.

That was a really shitty way to do things, but believe me, you're better off without me.

Lex