𝕤𝕒𝕟 𝕗𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕔𝕚𝕤𝕔𝕠 • 𝕝.𝕙

seventeen

I stared at the pink sky reflecting on the surface of the ocean, the sound of waves and people down on the beach in the distance lulling me into a dream-like state.

Luke didn't say a word, either. The sun kept on going down, and the stars were coming out one by one. We had the most beautiful view, up here, almost at the edge of this cliff, sat on the hood of Luke's car. It was breathtaking. The atmosphere had switched to something more intimate and raw lately. It'd been like suddenly, we had become one with the landscape, a part of us in each star and cloud, and nothing else mattered. Nothing else did matter at that very moment.

I'd had worse Monday nights.

I felt Luke's hand brush against mine, and instantly, I could feel myself shivering.

"This isn't so bad for San Francisco,"  Luke said.

"I know," I said quietly. 

I knew what Luke wanted to talk about, despite me avoiding the topic every single time we were together. It was the only thing he would mention to me, and I knew he was holding it back. I was desperate to talk about it, too, and hated myself for even overthinking when a second again, I was soaking in the moment, and feeling as if nothing had ever seemed more beautiful than the sun, the sea, and the tall, blonde boy by my side.

I wished I was drunk, so I could make the first step. I wished I could be smart to drop a line smart enough to keep Luke next to me. I wish I could initiate something without feeling the urge to run away. Lisa had told me. Not wanting to fall in love and enjoy things didn't make me cool. It made me bitter, and boring. And I was loathing that this was my life. I had turned into the sort of person I hated.

Things had to change.

I knew that tonight would be over in the blink of an eye. I knew that I would go home and regret all the things I didn't say, to then overthink, and get back to the same awful state of mind the next time I'd see Luke.

Not putting words on how we felt were killing the both of us slowly.

"I like you," I breathed out, turning to Luke. I put my hand on his, and he smiled lightly, interlocking his fingers with mine.

"I like you, too," he responded.

"These moments, they're..." I looked for my words, afraid that I would fumble it. "They're memories I will keep forever."

"Me too," he said, staring back in the distance. "It doesn't matter what happens, Lex. Now is all we've got, and it is special."

"I know," I bit my lip, staring down at my hand in Luke's. "I think I want you now, and then. Later, I mean. In the future. Fuck. I'm so bad at this."

I took a quick glance at his face. He was smiling.

"You don't have to..."

"I want to," I cut him off. He was looking back at me, now. I could smell the fresh laundry scent on him, and I swallowed hard, hoping that the words wouldn't get stuck in my throat and make me look like a fool. "You don't have to say anything. You know what's happening. Let it happen."

"Okay," he still sounded confused. "So..."

"So I want to hang out with you, and that's it," I said. Shit. This sounded confusing. "I don't want you like a friend. I want to hang out with you as..."

"Boyfriend and girlfriend?"

"I don't know," I turned  away, the physical reaction from hearing those words making me feel uncomfortable. I'd only know Luke for three weeks- was it too early to call it a relationship? I felt like things were going too fast.

"Okay, well," he sounded serious. "I can tell that you obviously don't like the way the conversation is going. You initiated it, though."

"I know."

"I like you, Alexis," he repeated. "I don't want to be needy. I just... It's like you won't let me in. If we're going to do this, it's going to be something you need to work on."

My whole body tensed up. "I know."

"It all feels one sided. It feels like I'm trying, but you're just not. But then, you call me, and I come running. Then you leave me hanging. Why?"

"Because I like you," I answered.

"This isn't the right way to show it," he had let go of my hand by that point. "If you don't want to be serious, then let's stop holding onto each other."                   

"Let's not," I said.

"Okay," he simply said.

"I'm sorry."

"It's a very, why won't you love me situation," he said lowly. He grabbed a cigarette from his pack, and put it to his lips.

"It's not about that, really, it's not," I stared enviously at his lips. He noticed, and passed the cigarette to me.

He didn't answer. I knew I was bullshitting him, on the spot, and that he could see right through it. This was getting frustrating. The voice inside of my head was begging for me to take a risk, to say fuck it all, and to just dive right into him. 

"I can tell your thoughts are screaming at you," Luke said, puffing on the smoke.

"I'm not even going to..." I cracked a smile, looking up at him. 

"All I'm trying to say, Lex," his pale blue eyes looked into mine. He was so beautiful. It wasn't fair. "This weekend changed things for me. And I want to talk about it."

"Well, I feel the same way, I guess."

"You're fucking downplaying it again!" he sounded frustrated, and rightfully so.

"Okay, okay," I retorted, my voice getting high-pitched by the annoyance growing within me. "Let's just... Do this, whatever this is. Let's do it."

"So, we're dating?"

"Well, yeah," I replied, avoiding Luke's gaze. I could almost hear him smile. "We're twenty-five and twenty-six, though. We don't need labels."

"I assume," he said, and I could feel his body shifting closer to mine. He wrapped his right arm around my shoulders. "But still."

"You're clingy," I half-joked, looking up at him. 

"Oh, shut up, Alexis," he replied, before pressing his lips on mine. He pulled back, smiling. "You're not hardcore as you think you are."

And he was right. I wasn't.