𝕤𝕒𝕟 𝕗𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕔𝕚𝕤𝕔𝕠 • 𝕝.𝕙

thirty-four

Sat down in what used to be mine and Lisa's shared backyard, I took a sip of my glass of ice water and sighed loudly.

I had spent some of my best nights sat next to my best friend and her dogs, lit by candle-light and lanterns. We had worked so hard to make this our own.

It was just a patch of dirt surrounded by trees when I first got the house, years ago. I remembered arriving in this new neighbourhood on the outskirts of San Francisco, not knowing how the hell I would be able to afford this small cottage-like house while working a job that I didn't quite know was right for me. In the end, I had spent some great years here, enjoyed good times and worked through bad times. And through it all, Lisa, my then-neighbour and now best-friend had been there to help me. Being an only child, her advice and wit made me feel like she was the sister that the universe had sent me. As if something, someone had looked out for me and put her on my way.

Our age difference meant that we were sometimes on completely different wavelengths, seldom arguing  because of my stubborn attitude, and often learning from each other. Well, it was more her teaching me about life and its intricacies, and it was me taking it all in. I wanted to give her a medal for being such a loyal friend and never giving up even when I was a complete mess. Despite everything, she had been there, with her door wide open, and even now, as I'd come in completely unannounced after weeks of silence, she hadn't thought about it. She was there again. And I needed her like I'd never done before.

"Lex," she began, setting her cup of tea on the wooden table. "I need you to tell me what's happening. You look unwell."

I shrugged. I didn't just look unwell. I was unwell.

"I'm just..." I shook my head. "I just don't know what I'm doing and I don't want to be in Portland anymore."

She scrunched up her nose, and took a cigarette out of her purse. "Well, that's not good, is it? Why not?"

"It's just..." I tried not to cry. It was surprising to me that I wasn't all out of tears by now. "It's just so fucking lonely, Lisa. I'm not making any friends and I feel like San Francisco is just here, wild, full of unfinished business I ran away from, and I can't focus on changing my life if I'm not there emotionally or mentally."

"You wanted to leave everything behind, though."

"I thought that it would be the best thing for me to do," I began, feeling overwhelmed. "Just going to fucking Oregon, meeting new people, people who don't know me and who can see me as somebody magical, and new. I don't like it there. I'm tired. I don't want to start a new life. I don't want to start over. I miss California."

"Then come back," Lisa just said, exhaling the smoke from her cigarette. "Work something out with your landlord. Figure out what you want to do with your job. Maybe they can transfer you back to San Francisco."

"That's just..." I shook my head, taking a cigarette from my pack and lighting it. "I don't know."

"So what are you going to do?" she asked, furrowing her eyebrows. "What other solution is there?"

"I don't know if I can afford any of this, and..."

"I can, Lex," she looked at me dead in the eyes. "Birthday present."

"My birthday was two months ago."

"And I didn't get you anything," she insisted. "If that's what you want to do, and if you feel that it's right in your heart, there are no questions to be asked."

"I can't accept," I refused. "I really can't, Lisa. We're talking thousands of dollars. I've got my savings anyway. Please don't do this. I've been a bad friend lately. I don't deserve it and won't accept it."