𝕤𝕒𝕟 𝕗𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕔𝕚𝕤𝕔𝕠 • 𝕝.𝕙

twenty-three

The news of my possible moving to Oregon had had the effect of a bomb on me, as if Hiroshima had happened a week ago, leaving me confused and dazed. I didn't know what the expected response was.

I had had dreams of running away, quit everything and move across the country for as far as I could remember. Drop everything I knew and start anew, in a city that didn't know me, with no one from the past trying to catch up to me, like they did in San Francisco. Everything I knew and loved was here, so why did I feel the need to run away so badly? How come I could feel my body yearning for a fresh start when I had no valid reason to run from my life?

I would move into a small apartment in Portland, and I would focus on myself, and doing better not only for those around me, but for me. I would maybe adopt a cat (my current landlord would never let me do that) and I would take care of my flowers. I would quit smoking and drinking, and think of me for the first time in forever. Maybe this was the right thing to do. Maybe moving away from all of this without a word would be the push I need to become the best version of myself.

I had the urge to leave the people I love, maybe as a form of self-sabotage. My whole life I had believed that I would never be enough for anyone, no matter how clever and witty I could be, no matter how hard I would ever try. Forming close friendships had been the hardest thing to do in San Francisco, and whenever I saw Lisa's life and compared it to mine, all I felt was guilt for standing in her way and pulling her back.

But leaving would also involve leaving Luke.

I was under the impression I finally knew how I felt about him, but one second later, I would get overwhelmed by emotions and forget about it. I would be sure that I did not care as much as I let myself believe, but then, I thought of leaving him all by himself, and the thought shattered my heart.

Maybe I was in love with him, after all. Maybe I had finally given up, and had let myself fall into this never ending shit hole. It was bad timing. Our whole relationship was bad timing, but I had decided to try to ignore it in fear of ruining something good. It was incredibly obvious that we were doomed from the start, as much as it hurt me to admit it. I wasn't what he needed, and although he promised me that it would be okay, that things would sort themselves out in the end, it didn't seem like the kind of ending that was reserved for us. For other people, maybe, but not for us.

Oh, Luke. The sunshine of my life. The most sensitive and kind-hearted man I had ever encountered in my short life. With his dazzling beauty and cheeky smiles, he had somehow chosen me to share a part of his life for a handful of months that had felt like days. If it seemed that short, how on Earth had I managed to fall so hard? Why could I not imagine myself with anybody else but him, now? I was an adult, supposedly over the puppy love stage that you went through as a teen. But all I wanted was to stay with him. All I wanted was to take his love and make it beautiful. I didn't need to be saved from myself, but I felt that if he had wanted to run away and rescue me, he would have done it, absolutely effortlessly.

I could never get back up from the immense heartbreak I would feel if I were to leave Luke. I could never find anyone like him. He was more than I ever deserved.

Maybe I would stay in San Francisco, despite the urge I had  to leave everything behind. That meant keeping my underpaid job and keeping the same routine I wasn't sure was making me happy. I didn't want to stay in anybody's way. I just wanted to figure out what was best for me, and both options made my heart ache for different reasons.

I hadn't told anybody about the promotion yet, not even my boyfriend. The weight of the secret I was carrying on my shoulders was almost too great to bear, and I was questioning myself about how I had done it so far. 

And just like this, as I was sitting at my desk in the office, I stood up, Andy shooting a questioning glance at me, and me, ignoring it as I stormed outside, clutching tightly onto my phone.

I stepped outside, the hot air hitting my face like a damp towel. I took a deep breath, as I pressed onto Luke's name, bringing my phone to my ear, anxiously listening as I could hear the line ringing three times.

"Hello?"

"Luke," I breathed out. "I have been keeping something from you, and I need to tell you about it."

"What is it? You're scaring me, Lex."

"I want you to know that first of all, I love you," I choked out, the words sounding almost natural. This hadn't been the way I had planned to declare my love to him, but it was the right moment.

"Lex," he interrupted me. He paused. "I love you, too."

"Listen to me," I said, anxiously looking around me, the sound of cars lowly buzzing in the background. "I have been offered a job in Portland. They want me to start in three weeks. It's all I've ever wanted. I get a chance to finally start anew and turn my life around."

"Oh," he quietly said. I could hear his breathing slowing down. I imagined him, his curly hair falling into his eyes, his hand holding tightly onto his phone. And it clicked.

I could not. I could not leave him. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I didn't try one more time in San Francisco.

"But I'm not going."