𝕤𝕒𝕟 𝕗𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕔𝕚𝕤𝕔𝕠 • 𝕝.𝕙

thirty-one

The comedown of whatever we were on last night was brutal. It felt like a nail was being drilled into my skull, barbarically annihilating the small remainder of dignity that I had left.

It was night time outside still - and I was wondering what time it was. It was daylight by the time we'd gone to bed and decided to do a few more lines, just a few more to keep the feeling going for a couple more hours.

But we had ran out, and I was crying.

I was crying because Calum's arms, which had felt so electric just a few hours ago felt like they were heavy weights on my body. The spark that was shining so bright, so bright I couldn't even begin to comprehend it, had dimmed considerably and was dying as the minutes passed.

I sat up in Luke's bed and stared at the clock. It was 11 o'clock at night, and we had been going for a whole twenty-four hours.

I couldn't remember whether I'd slept or not, and all I could hear was a ringing that made me want to tear my hair out. Calum was asleep next to me and I wanted to wake him up to give me more, more cocaine and more sex. Why was he sleeping? Did he not feel the pain inside of his body like I did?

"Calum," I began shaking him. His face was puffy and he was naked. There were nail marks all over him. "Go get more."

"I don't think so," he just said.

"Have we run out?"

He sat up, and winced at the pain. "No."

My brain was wired in such a way that I began to feel crazy the minute he said it. I didn't know how much drugs he had on him. It was like a bottomless supply!

"Can I have more?"

"No, Lex," he just said. "It's been going on too long... I just... Don't you feel like shit?"

"No."

"That's a lie," he whined. "Now everything feels wrong."

And it did. Nothing about this situation felt okay in the slightest. It was like I'd been caught in the fire that was last night and it was impossible to get out. I had to jump through it to end this, but I didn't want to. The flames that were so pleasurable last night had turned into the most agonising feeling, scalding my body to the very bone.

My brain was not recollecting what put me here - sweaty and disgusting, in my ex boyfriend's bed next to his best friend. Or used to be best friends, that was. Because what had been done was so incredibly wrong that nothing would ever be the same, and deep inside I knew this would be the beginning of the end.

But what was I supposed to do?

"Sorry," I just said, sitting on the side of the bed. "I'm just going to shower and head home."

"Okay," Calum just said. I don't believe he was fully registering whatever I was saying to him.

I swayed side to side trying to make my way to the bathroom, feeling as if the whole earth was shaking beneath my feet. And maybe it was.

I opened the door and got into the bathroom - the dimmed light turning on as I removed all of my clothes. I felt dirty, and my stupid fucking self had not managed to remember bringing more clothing for this trip.

 All I wanted was for this to be over. I didn't know what had taken over me, and I had no idea what I was going to be doing next. I felt sorry for myself, and the only way to get through this was to run away. Again. It was all I knew how to do.

I hopped into the shower and could not stop thinking. I didn't even know what I was thinking - I still felt high and confused, the feeling of scalding water on my skin making me flinch. Everything was wrong, and Calum was right. Nothing would ever feel the same, and I was just tired now. I didn't want Calum or Luke, or anyone for that matter. I wanted to go home.