𝕤𝕒𝕟 𝕗𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕔𝕚𝕤𝕔𝕠 • 𝕝.𝕙

twenty-nine

That was it, I thought. I'd reached my very limit, I'd made up my mind and I was going to do it. I wouldn't be a sad, sick coward anymore waiting for life to give back what it had stolen from me.

I was going to get it back, all by myself.

The last conversation I'd had with Luke was haunting me. And I didn't mean this in a weird, melodramatic way; it had truly left me shaken. I was feeling like I'd lost the one good thing that had kept me in San Francisco for so long. I wasn't regretting leaving for Portland, but I was thinking that I might have done it for the wrong reasons.

I wanted to go back to wherever it was that we started - I wanted to get back to the first night, to the starry sky, to the fire light and the plans that we made. I knew nothing would ever compare to whatever we had that quiet summer evening. 

In my old car, the radio volume turned all the way up, I was driving towards the one real thing I'd ever known, despite my awful brain drowning out all of the positive things that one person had brought into my life for a short amount of time.

Because after all, I thought as I glanced at the coast on my right hand side, it had only been a few months. And it had felt like my whole entire existence revolved around Luke, now, and as much as I hated it, I couldn't stop doing it. I didn't want to stop doing it. It felt like I was on drugs, happy ones that made me feel like maybe, I was going to get what I wanted back.

I was only a short twenty minutes away from San Francisco, now. I had been driving for hours since Friday at noon. I had skipped work, gotten in my car, and started driving, making a nap stop along the way, more determined than ever. I'd never felt a rush like this; it was as if the flashing lights along the road, the street signs were becoming invisible and all I could see was the end goal. All I could see was his face opening the door, me looking at him and asking him if he wanted to try again, and him saying yes. 

This was the only outcome I believed in.

As I took the exit that took me into the city, a strange feeling of nostalgia slapped me in the face. It felt as if the familiar streets had become something I was enamored with, something I had been craving to see. I think I associated them to a feeling most than anything. 

It was nearly 11 o'clock at night, and the streets were more alive than ever, the pavement struggling to hold all of the people going clubbing in skimpy outfits and hair done to the heavens. The shouting of winos and their off-key singing was something truly authentic to a Friday night in San Francisco, and I hated that a part of me found comfort in the horrific sound of it. As I drove past, a couple holding hands ran in front of my car. I stopped abruptly, cursing under my breath, but stopped as I realised that I didn't want to shout. I didn't want to fight.

I felt almost euphoric at the thought of what was coming.

The bright neons on the front of the bars were flashing, and I was rushing to where I belonged, cursing every red light as I was clutching tight onto the steering wheel. I had turned the radio off and was just listening to my own heart beating, the sound of the streets quieting down as I drove into the residential area where Luke's apartment was.

I knew every turn by heart. I pulled into the parking lot of the apartment building, but couldn't see Luke's car anywhere. I began to worry as my eyes scoped the area, looking for any sign of him, any sign at all. I was hoping he was there. I hadn't been driving for ten hours for nothing, I thought. I didn't come all this way, to sunny California, for... This.

I parked the car, and glanced quickly up at where his flat was. The lights were dimmed, but on, and I could see a tall silhouette passing by.

This is my chance, I thought. It had to be him. Maybe something had happened to his car. Maybe he had decided to go car-free. Who knew! A lot could have changed in the past couple of months!

I got out of the car, slamming the door as I began trotting towards the entrance, not even worried about what the hell I looked like. I knew it probably wasn't great. I knew the bags under my eyes must have looked absolutely insane. But I didn't want to be held back. I wanted to see him, and I wanted to see him now.

I tapped the code that let me through the glass doors, and as I stepped inside, my heart began beating louder than it had at any point today. The smells, the lights, everything was too much, and I felt like I was going to pass out.

I took the stairs to the first floor, going as fast as I could, finally making it to the front door. His name was still here. I took a deep breath, and knocked hesitantly.

No answer.

I frowned, and put my hand up to knock one more time, just one last time...

When the door opened as my fist was mid-air.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," I almost cried out. "Seriously?"

"Dude, what the hell?"

"I didn't want to see you today, I really didn't, Calum," I whined. "Why?"

"What do you mean, why?" he scoffed. " Why are you here?"

"Why do you think I'm here?" I spat out, frustrated. I raised my hand up to my forehead, a pained expression on my face. "Jesus..."

He looked at me, a questioning look on his face. He had dyed his buzzed hair, and was wearing a white t-shirt showing off his arms. I did always like his arms. Oh, Lex, what the fuck!

"Well, do you want to come in, then?"

I pushed past him, huffing and puffing. "Where is Luke?" I turned back to him throwing my jacket on a chair. "I, I drove ten hours to see him, and you... This..." I sighed. "This is not what was supposed to happen."

"What do you think was going to happen, Lex?" he asked, looking at me in the eyes. He had a serious expression on his face. "I... I seriously don't believe Luke would have let you in, anyway."

"I don't even know..." I said weakly. "I just want to see him."

"I'm really sorry," Calum answered, looking at the floor. "Luke's away. He's not even in town."

"And why are you here?" I asked, a sad grimace on my face. "None of this makes sense. Seriously. It feels like I'm in a fever dream..."

"Apartment sitting," he said, as if it was obvious. "Ever heard of that?"

"Right," I said slowly, with a sarcastic tone. "Cool. Of... Of course. I'm just gonna go..."

"You probably need to rest for a little while, Lex," Calum noticed. "You must be exhausted."

"Don't..." I raised my hand towards him, and began walking to the door. "Do not fucking start, Calum. I am too tired for this."

"Exactly," he grabbed my hand. "Luke's not even here. I'm not asking for you to like me... I'm just asking for you to... Just..." he was looking for his word, as I stared him down. "Just stay for a while."

"Why would I stay for a while?" I whined. "Why, please tell me why, why would I want to hang out with you? Out of all people?"

"I've got, like, booze, and..." he let go of my hand. "Just, don't be ridiculous. Where are you gonna go? What's your plan?"

"I don't have a plan," I snarled. "I just wanted to see Luke."

"Luke's not here," Calum repeated. I could tell he was losing patience. "Now what are you gonna do, drive back to Portland? Well, sure thing, Lex, see you in another three months, then."

I grabbed my jacket, and shot a death glare at him. "You are so irritating. You are... You are just... Aggravating me, right now. Seriously, dude."

"Whatever, Lex," he threw his hands up in the air. "It's either you have a beer, and we can chat, or you can leave and sleep in your car, or whatever. I don't think I really care, at this point."

I rolled my eyes, and put my jacket back on the chair, wanting to scream. Everything inside of me was boiling. 

"I don't either. What do you have to drink?"

"Ah," his face lit up as he walked rapidly towards Luke's bar. "I've been on the whisky."

"Sure," I shrugged. "Whisky it is, then."