Ain't Nobody Like You

Chapter Twelve

A lot can happen in nine months. A lot can change.

January

I was on autopilot at first. Smiling for pictures, signing autographs, answering questions. Every meeting and public appearance, I was there, but my mind was somewhere else. I was just going through the motions, depressed. 

But when I was alone and every spare moment I had, I was writing down lyrics. It kept me busy, and my thoughts off other things. And it helped me sort through my emotions.

I wanted to hate Marshall. 

Another man who clearly didn't care about me or my feelings, who used me till he grew bored. They're all the same, all wanting one thing. Hiding their true intentions behind sweet words and affectionate touches.

I wanted to hate him, but I couldn't.

After everything with Daniel, I should've known better. I had no one to blame but myself for what happened. Marshall and I were never exclusive. We weren't boyfriend and girlfriend. I don't know if we even had a date. Was that night at the beach even a date? I didn't know anymore. There were no rules, no labels, no promises between us. He had no obligations to me. It was a fling and nothing more. No need for heart break. 

What I will miss most of all will be our friendship. Our talks- about any and every thing. Laughing with him and being completely silly. How caring he was and how smart. Both of us were able to be ourselves around each other. I've never met anyone but Angie that I can be that way with. And even though it didn't end well between us, I miss him.

But it's best for everyone I don't get involved with him again. When I care about someone, those feelings don't just go away overnight. And I'm not going to make the same mistake twice with him.

Angie half-heartedly suggested I try dating again. And I thought about it. But I made a decision once not to date, and I didn't stick to it. This time though, it's sticking. No more relationships, no dating, no flirting, no more heartbreak. No men.

And life went on.

The rumor circulating that me and Daniel were back together was squashed once more pictures from that night at Lotus were released, showing him leaving the club with another girl. As he continued his philandering ways, a different girl every week, and I was alone miles and miles away, the truth was settled. 

Marshall dropped My Name Is. It was an instant hit. You couldn't go anywhere without hearing the catchy hook. It was all over the radio and TRL. They were talking about him and his lyrics on every media outlet. Everyone was memorizing and rapping it. Eminem was quickly rising in fame. 

I'd catch glimpses of the music video on tv screens, him and Dre, and my mind would drift to him telling me about filming it. Or I'd hear it in blasting through people's speakers as they drive by and think about the first time I spoke to him. How this was exactly what he dreamed about. He was everywhere and he was always on my mind.

I couldn't forget about him even if I tried.

February

I filled pages and pages with lyrics. Once I was free from other obligations, I went straight to the studio with notebooks filled with old and new songs. Track after track was recorded. I barely left the studio, the whole month of February.

Some songs were about heartbreak. Others were about opening my heart and new love like, If You Had My Love.  Sometimes I was happy. But mostly I wasn't. It was the most honest and emotional album I've ever written.