Ain't Nobody Like You

Chapter Forty-One

May, 2001

I throw the basketball to Marshall, "I thought you were suppose to take it easy on me?"

He catches it and begins dribbling through his legs, as he laughs, "I am!"

A Saturday afternoon at home, the weather finally nice, we play outside. The girls jump on the trampoline in the backyard while Marshall, Nate and I shoot hoops in the driveway.

I watch Marshall pass the ball to Nate, who then throws it over his shoulder- missing. Usually I'm the one not getting them in. While I'm wearing yoga pants and a sweatshirt, Marshall and Nate have shed their shirts and are just in their basketball shorts, both playing a lot harder than I am running around and shooting baskets.

I can't tear my eyes away from Marshall- not that that is anything new. But he's been looking even better than normal lately. He can credit that to all his time in the gym, working out to tone up and lifting weights to build muscle.

Marshall takes the ball in his hands again, arching his arms and throwing it directly through the hoop. The swish echoes, a perfect three-pointer.

"Show off." I mutter.

He smiles mischievously, "What'd you say?"

I know by the look on his face what he's going to do.

"Marshall..." I warn him, backing away. But he still comes at me. "Don't!"

I start running away but he catches me quickly, throwing me over his shoulder as I shriek in delight. He drops down to his knees, and I land on the grass with him on top of me. But it doesn't end there as he starts tickling me. Hailie and Lainey run over from where they were playing and join him. My laughter mixes with the girl's giggles as Marshall encourages them to tickle me more.

Moments like these, spending time with Marshall and the kids, brings me joy. And I need a lot of it these days.

No matter how much I told myself that I shouldn't be and that it was for the best since I wasn't meant to be pregnant- I was sad. Sad that I lost something that I didn't have any chance to really have yet. Sad that even though Marshall doesn't want children, I still do. Sad that I long for something I might never have. And sad that I can't just be happy with what I already have.

I still haven't told Marshall about what happened in New York. I mean, I tried to. When he first came back from LA, I was going to do it. And about a dozen times after that too. But I never actually did. I'm not proud of it, in fact I feel terrible for keeping this from him, but I just couldn't. And as more and more time passes, it gets even harder to do so. 

The only other person besides my doctor who is burdened with this knowledge is Bree. My doctor told me at that stage the miscarriage was nothing more than a heavy period, nothing to be concerned about, while Bree is telling me it was a trauma and that it's okay to grieve if I want.  She's afraid I'm not dealing with this all properly. And I know I'm not, but I am dealing with it the only way I know how. By bottling up my emotions, keeping busy and surrounding myself with the people I love. Doing so makes it all a bit more bearable. 

A car horn beeps. I don't have to look to know who's here. Kim. The girls are going to get ice cream and spend a couple days with her.

"A'ight, let her go. Let her go! She's had enough." Marshall laughs, getting the girls off me. "Go get your stuff."

As the girls run to get their bags, Marshall helps me up. They come back out, hugging their Dad then me goodbye before running to the car. I wave to Kim, but I don't think she noticed. Things are better between us, civil, but like she said we're never going to be friends.