Awakened

Twenty-Five

Back in my room I pull off my clothes and throw on a big t-shirt. Today has been emotionally exhausting, and I couldn't sit there any longer and pretend Beau ignoring me didn't hurt. It must have been Kristy. He knew he would be leaving to see her soon, so I wasn't even on his mind. That was another reason I had to get out of there. I knew when he stood to excuse himself it would be too much to handle. He would have no clue that I had seen the messages, that I knew where we was running off to.

My phone dings, and I see his name on the screen.

Beau: Are you alright?

I tell myself that I will not respond, that there is no point. I also have no self-control when it comes to him, so it doesn't really matter what I tell myself.

Me: I'm fine, thank you.

The three dots that indicate he is typing make me nervous.

Beau: You remember what I said about girls saying they are fine, right?

I smile.

Me: I really am though. Have a good night.

I watch for the dots, but they do not appear. He must be on his way to her.

I try to entertain myself with Netflix, but so far I haven't been able to choose a show to binge watch until the early morning hours. There is a light knock at the door downstairs, and I am surprised I even hear it. The knock comes again, this time just a tiny bit louder. I jog down the stairs towards the door. Imagine my surprise when Beau Dalton is standing in front of me.

"Hey, you said we could talk after dinner but you ran off." he says. He is rubbing his neck, and looks nervous.

"I said I didn't feel well, I didn't 'run off'." The attitude in my voice apparent, even though I don't mean for it to be.

"Can I come in?" He takes a step towards the threshold without waiting for my answer. I peer around him, but he stops me. "They think I left. I said I had plans. You know how they are, it will be a while before your aunt comes in."

I step aside and allow him to come in. I begin to walk in the direction of the stairs. I say nothing, but he follows me. Once we are in my bedroom, he closes the door behind him.

"I'm sorry my mom showed up and you had to leave, I know we were... well you know. Having a moment or whatever." I know he is trying to be sweet, but I roll my eyes.

"Or whatever?" I say flatly.

He stifles a smile, "Hey, I told you I'm no Romeo." No kidding.

There is a brief awkward silence, and I wonder why he is here.

"So, it sounds like you'll be doing the Charleston with Thomas pretty soon. I hope you brought your flapper dress in that suitcase." He is trying to make a joke, but I just stare at him blankly. "Tough crowd." he mutters.

"What happened, Katherine? A few hours ago you were telling me how incredible I am, and now it's radio silence. I don't understand what is going on here." He gestures in between the two of us, and I shrug.

"Nothing happened, I just have to kind of separate myself from everything for a little while." I say.

"Separate yourself? From what?" He looks confused, and I can understand why. I am picking at my fingers again, and I sit on them to stop myself. If I keep this up they will be ruined.

"You, this whole situation. I am happy I could be there for you today. I know you needed someone to share that with, and I am glad that someone was me. I feel like I understand you more. It did make some things harder though. I just need for you to not be so... present." I say quietly.

"Not be so present? As in, not be around you anymore? I don't understand. What the hell happened? Things were, you know, they were good. Why are you trying to fuck it up?" There is that temper I've come to know so well. Maybe if he is angry it will make this easier. 

I sit down in my desk chair, and look at him for a few moments. He is beautiful. His strong jawline, and the way his eyebrows furrow make my body ache. "I am not trying to fuck anything up Beau, I am trying to not get hurt. If I continue spending time with you, especially alone like this... I will get hurt. You know I'm right. I heard how the whole chase after the good girl thing works, and I just can't handle that. Okay?"

"Chase after the good girl? What the hell are you even talking about?" He really does look confused, and I feel so stupid saying these things.

"I know I don't have any experience, and I get that makes me an easy target. I can't help but swoon when you talk to me, and I feel like an idiot! And I am NOT a stupid girl. You have quite a reputation for- well, for getting around. I can't be one of those girls to you, I just can't." I pause for a second, but continue. "And I wasn't going to tell you this but when you left me in your room... the phone kept buzzing. I saw the messages that kept lighting up the screen. I wasn't trying to snoop, but it was just there in front of my face." Well, I've said it. No turning back now.

He runs a hand through his dark hair and sighs. Before he can speak I open my mouth again.

"I know I have no right to be upset, and I understand that. I can't help that I am. I swear I wish I wasn't. I feel absolutely ridiculous. I will never be like them though. I can't just hook up with you and get blown off afterwards. I have never felt anything even close to how I feel when I am near you, my entire body reacts to yours in a way that I cannot describe. I have to separate from this, Beau. If I don't I will end up falling for you, and there is no doubt that I will be the one who ends up destroyed." Referencing his words written in the back of that book is a low blow, but it is the only thing that I think will make him understand. The way he is looking at me makes me want to take it all back. He takes a step towards me, and the tears come.

"Please, don't." I cry out. "I can't do this. I am stupid and naive. I will always think you can change. I have seen you at your most vulnerable, and now my heart is aching every time I look at you." His expression is nothing but pain, and he takes another step towards me.

I hold out my hands in front of me and plead with him. "This isn't fair. I am trying so hard to be honest, to tell you that I will never accept that you can't be with me. I will have hope, and you will break me." His hands cup my face, and I feel his nose brush against mine.

I am still resisting. It is taking every fiber of my being to fight this. My body aches and feels as if it might collapse from underneath me.

"Please." It is barely audible, but I know what he said.

"Please." He sounds like a starving man in need of sustenance. Now he is the one pleading, and I fall apart in his arms. I give in, completely. His kiss is so deep that I can feel all of the emotions surging through his body. The pain, the need, the passion. I can taste my salty tears. The urgency of his lips needing to be on mine sends shock-waves through my body, and I am engulfed in the flames. 

There is nothing else I can do to fight this. He has taken me, and I am no longer in control. I don't know what will happen, but in this moment I don't care. I may end up broken, but right now I have never felt so alive.