Awakened

Thirty-Eight

If you would have asked me a few months ago how I would lose my virginity, I would have probably described a beautifully tender moment in a bed with silk sheets surrounded by lit candles and rose petals. This, of course, would be thanks to the only knowledge I had of sex coming from movies and an occasional mid-afternoon soap opera. I imagined a clean-cut gentleman that I was madly in love with, probably someone I met in medical school. We'd date for a while, and when I knew he was the one I would finally tell him I was ready.

This, however, was not what fate had in store for me. In the place of the plush bedding and silken sheets, there was a rough beach towel littered with sand. It clung to our wet bodies. I'm sure it would have been uncomfortable had I really paid attention, but the electricity ripping through me prevented that. There were no candles, just the light from the stars and a faint glow from the floodlights outside our homes.

This elaborate scene I had carved into my mind regarding my deflowering had dissolved, and in it's place was pure uncertainty. This was both terrifying and exhilarating.

With trembling fingers I trace the lines of one of the tattoos on his ribs. His hot body was on top of me, and I am once again reminded at how much I love feeling his weight press into me. It was thrilling to know he was in complete control, yet at the same time I knew I could stop this at any moment.

"I didn't expect- I mean, we don't have to do this." Beau says breathlessly. I know that if I am going to pull away I need to do it now.

Do I want to stop? I'm not sure. In fact, I'm not sure that I could stop. It all feels so wrong, yet so right at the same time.  Then, add in the nagging voice in my mind repeatedly reminding me that we are within walking distance from our houses, and that someone could find us like this at any moment. It's all so overwhelming.

"I- I want this." I manage to say, and his green eyes turn dark with a hunger that ignites me. I am pure fire in this moment. My skin radiates with heat, and it seems like any second I will combust. "Um, do you have a condom?" The words feel strange coming out of my mouth.

He nods, and climbs off of my body to reach for his pants. From his wallet he pulls out a gold foil packet and waves it between his thumb and forefinger. "Are you sure?"

Am I sure? I think so.

"Yes, I want this." I repeat, hoping that I sound more sure of the decision than I really am. The truth is that I am terrified. The battle waging in my mind is a brutal one, and it takes a great deal of effort to silence that voice in my head warning me against this.

He tears open the foil packet with his teeth and brings the latex disk to the tip of his length. Never breaking eye contact, he slides the material down his hard skin. His biceps encircle me, and with one knee he spreads open my legs. I squeeze my eyes shut, suddenly allowing the realization of what is happening sink in. Fear envelops me, and all I can think about is how badly this is going to hurt.

I feel his fingers begin to rub against me, preparing me for what is to come. With each stroke of his fingers I feel myself coming unglued, and the anticipation building is excruciating.

His lips meet mine, and the kiss begins slowly. I open my mouth, allowing his tongue inside to tease me. He trails a line of kisses down my jaw, then my neck, and further down my collarbone. My arms wrap around his waist, desperate to pull him closer.

"You need to tell me if I need to stop, okay? It's going to hurt at first, so if it's too much you have to tell me to stop." He says, though it comes out as more of a growl. He maintains intense eye contact, awaiting my response.

I nod, "Okay."

I feel the slick material slide against my opening, and my body shudders. In a surprisingly gentle motion he presses into me. The sensation is unlike anything I have ever experienced, and a gasp escapes my lips.

"Are you okay?" He asks, taking my cheek in his palm. I bite my lip and nod, giving him the go ahead to continue.

He rocks his hips forward, moving deeper inside me. The deep pain makes me wince, and he stops the movement. "No, don't- don't stop." I plead. It hurts, but in a strange way the fullness I feel from him being inside me is something I don't want to end.

His hips move into me again, this time driving all the way home. I gasp again. "Fuck, baby."

When he pulls out of me the discomfort continues. His lips are on mine again, and I squeeze his arms hard to try and alleviate some of the pain. He thrusts into me again, this time much faster than before. I cry out, and he silences me with another kiss.

His hot breath against my neck as he rocks back and forth against my hips. I feel like I should be doing more, but I am frozen in place.

"Do you want me to keep going?" Pleasure coats his words, and I can't help but feel a sense of empowerment that I am somehow making him feel this way.

"Y-yes." I stammer. "Don't stop."

Beau's eyes close and his sharp jaw clenches with each thrust. I run my hands over the hard muscles in his back, in awe of how they flex when he moves.

The pain is subsiding now. In its place is more of a mild discomfort, a discomfort that is made bearable by watching him come completely undone. His breath is wild now, and I know that I would face this feeling over and over just to watch it happen again.

"You have no clue how hard it is to control myself right now, to be gentle with you." He grits out, and I thread my fingers through his hair. Feeling brave now, I rock into him- matching his movements stroke for stroke.

I learned something here, a valuable lesson in the art of making love. When I began to move with him, in sync with his body... Well, it drove him mad. What sounds like a growl comes from his mouth, and I let out a moan in response. Its amazing how my body seems to know what to do even though I am completely clueless.

"I can't hold on any longer." He exhales into my neck, picking up the pace ever so slightly. A sensation is building within me, like a ball of live wires shooting off sparks of electricity. His body tenses, and release comes for both of us. We explode around each other, and he falls into me. Our hearts are pounding, chests heaving violently as the adrenaline courses through our veins.

The sudden emptiness that I feel when he pulls out of me causes me to let out a small whimper. He rolls the condom off of himself and places it on top of the foil packet.

We are both silent for a few seconds.

"Kat, are you alright?" He finally asks, worry etched on his perfect face. His eyes search mine, looking for some sign that I don't regret what we've just done.

I lift myself up and press my body into his, hoping that this assures him that I am perfectly fine. I am more than fine. I feel like I've just gone skydiving, or scaled Mount Everest. I feel as if I've just run a marathon in record speed, and the waves crashing against the shore are cheering me on.

"I'm okay, that was- God. Beau, that was incredible." I breath out, and he relaxes at my words.

His fingers trace tiny circles into my back, "I tried to be gentle. Did I hurt you?"

I nod, "It hurt, but it was worth it. I promise."

His lips are on mine again, and when we finally break apart he reaches for my clothes. "We should probably get dressed. It's a miracle no one has come down here."

I am suddenly reminded of just how reckless we've been, and I quickly pull my shirt over my head. It hurts to stand a little, but I slide the jeans over my thighs quietly. Once we are dressed, he pulls me back into him and we lay together on the sand. My head is on his chest, and the sound of his heartbeat begins to put me in a sleepy daze. It's my own personal lullaby. My eyes flutter, and the stars above me start to blur.