Driving Out Darkness

Chapter 7

Season: 6

Episode: Appointment in Samarra

***
It's been weeks of radio silence. None of my angels are answering me. Castiel left me high and dry after our kiss and I was left to explain my fluster to the boys alone. Which I didn't. I just brushed it off. It was Cas! It meant nothing, I've seen how he can kiss. What he did was nothing like that. He was just... a friend. A friend who was comforting someone in an odd way probably because he saw it done on TV. It's just been me and the boys and a bunch of arguments about either Sam's soul situation or on my 'how dare you just disregard that you're human too' situation.

"Look boys," I said to them as I told them about my mission, my time with Hasdiel. "I don't expect you to understand, but I do expect some respect. I've always been the little sister, always being told what to do and when to do it, and even though I never listened to you anyways and this will be the same. But I'd like it for you to support me, because I'd prefer to not have it come down to us killing one another again."

They seemed to understand where I was coming from, but we're still very reluctant with me, therefore I still have my cuffs on and will have to sit back and pray my angels don't die without me. I wanted to talk to Sam about his soul being gone and simply just talk to him in general but every time I try, something seems to come up... like right now.

"You what!?" Sam and I snap at Dean as he explains that he just went to some shady ass doctor and killed himself to get some answers.

"Well, did ya learn anything that we don't already know?" I ask, crossing my arms

"Just hear me out." Dean tries to say, hands up in defence.

"I heard Cas and Crowley when they said it would either kill me or turn me to jello, Dean! I heard enough!" I agreed with Sam there. The soul shouldn't be put in him.

"Death said he can put up a wall." Ooo. A wall. Okay mister Qin Dynasty.

"A wall?"

"Yeah, a wall that- that basically you wouldn't remember hell."

"Really?" I ask and raise an eyebrow

"Really." Dean nods

"For good? Like a cure?" Sam pushes

Dean is reluctant to answer, knowing both Sam and I won't like the answer.

"N-no. It's not a cure." I toss my arms into the air and look away. "But he said it could last a lifetime."

"This is Sam's life we're talking about Dean! If we can get his soul back, it isn't going in him until it's fixed. It either stays out and I try and heal it with my still probated powers or... it has an incubator to heal it." I'm reluctant to say the last bit, knowing it's gonna piss of both of the boys, and Bobby for that matter.

"What do you mean?" Sam asks and I take a deep breath. Why did he of all people have to ask.

"Well, Sam, your soul is part of my soul. We're twins, and I've been reading that 'the souls of those who are birthed of the same, who live of the same and are linked to the same will have a soul of one'" I say, quoting the lore book exactly. "We share very similar souls. So... if I take it in for a little while... my grace would think it's mine and heal it."

"No." All three men say at the same time.

"And it's better Sam take it!?" I snap, looking to Dean. "I stand more of a chance than him. And if I die, so be it! Because if Sam goes, I go. So, it's either one life or two." I frown as I realise what I just said. Did I... did I mean it? I look down at the cuffs and clench my eyes shut, allowing myself to regain composure before I continue. "I know you're trying to do what's best for Sam, we both are. But if there is this much of a risk his head will explode because of it, I'm not taking it."

"Just curious." Bobby speaks up after my speech. "I presume Death's not doing this out of the goodness of his heart. So what's your half of the deal?"

I look at Dean expectantly, fighting he'll say something extremely bad like he has to kill himself. But he doesn't. He doesn't say anything. He just avoids eye contact with us all.

"I'm sorry I didn't get that."

"He asked me to wear the ring for a day."

"Why the hell would he want you to do that?"

"I don't know to get his rocks off? But I'm doing it."

Sam's face hardens and he moves to walk out the door.

"Where are you going?" Dean says and I place a hand to his chest. "He just found out his big brother tried to get his soul back by killing himself and is still battling with the fact that it could kill him. Give him a minute."

Dean's eyes narrow at me but I just stare him down and eventually, he gives in and simply lets Sam go.

"Fine." He says, waving Sam along who doesn't think twice about the acceptance. "But only so you and I can have a chat." He continues once the door closes behind my brother.

"What is with you and all these 'chats' lately?" I grumble, sitting down at my spot by the window.

"You've had a lot for me to bring up." Dean shrugs and pulls up a chair to sit across from me. Bobby is in the room, yeah, but he doesn't really join in much.

"What the hell has gotten into you?" I look at him weirdly and am about to reply we've already been over this but he keeps talking. "Since when have you cared so little about yourself that you would just kill yourself because it 'might' save someone."

I take a deep breath and lean against my knees. "Dean, I'm going to let you know that I'm only saying this because the cuffs are on. Which means I'm human. Which means all the emotions and values my grace subdues are gonna come flooding out whenever they get a chance to. So... here goes. Two years ago -no, over two years ago, I had nothing to do with this. I had a life, I had a girlfriend, a well paying job... and then you guys come round, disrupting the universe by not being dead, I get roped back in because my girlfriend dies, I find out that I'm a Nephelim, then I find out that I'm not even supposed to exist, I get pregnant, you and Sam kill me and the baby, I loose my other half and go marching on a revenge scheme against all off heaven in order to stop this shit once and for all. So yeah, excuse me if i don't care about living anymore." I frown and look down, away from Dean's hurt and worried eyes. I decide to just stay in that position and I try to fight the tears by thinking of the one person who can make me calm. Sam.

But Sam isn't being Sam right now, he's soulless. Soullessness is usually what people align with selfishness so Sam definitely won't care right now about what I'm going through. He doesn't have any empathy to care. All he cares about is getting his soul... or maybe not getting it... my eyes go wide and I look back up, realising that Dean has been trying to speak to me. "Okay, we can save the therapy for later. Sam's doing something stupid." I say, standing up and heading for the door.

"Wait, What?" Dean asks as he follows me.

"Just show me where you hid the rings."