Driving Out Darkness

Chapter 13

Season: 6

Episode: Like a Virgin

Warnings: This episode line contains mentions of major depression and mental disorders such as eating disorders, paranoia etc. if this is a problem for you, please skip to when the intro displays another episode. A non-triggering summary will be included for you.

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Not of my own volition, I stay in the alps for the rest of the day, having fallen asleep and just not waking up for about twelve hours. I was a mess. A big fucking mess. I was overwhelmed, I was dealing with major depression, anxiety and paranoia which has probably been brought upon by an entire year and a half of suppressing my emotions...suppressing my 'purest form' as Castiel said it was back when he kissed me. When I kissed back.

I needed strength, I needed to carry myself to wherever I needed to go to make this choice Castiel is so adamant on. I needed to suppress again. But if I did that, I'd be back to where I am now once it was all over, heck, it will probably be worse. What I needed, was my big brothers. The two who I haven't truly came to for over a decade.

Sixteen years old and on my own. It's been a week. A week of walking and hiding in the tree line. No stopping, no food besides the occasional berry bush here and there. Sure, I was following a road, and sure, I came across a few cities. But I was determined to keep going until I couldn't anymore and that meant not risking my brothers - or my dad - finding me. Nothing had happened this time, no fight, nothing wrong with school... I was going well for once. My grades and my behaviours were improving, my fights with dad less and less. Maybe that's just because I shut myself off, let myself listen to the whispers as I sleep about the girl that was never meant to exist.
Whatever it was, it was me that made me run away that day, no note, no goodbyes. Just up and leaving in the middle of the night and never looking back. I could have ended it that night, I literally had three weapons on me capable of murdering a human, werewolf, shifter or anything else affected by silver. But I didn't. For some reason... I just walked and walked until my body literally collapsed on the road side. Next thing I remember was being in a hospital, a doctor standing over me. "What were you doing on the road, Amelia?" I can't remember if I told them my name, or if I had ID. But I know they knew it. It bugged me that they never used my nickname. That was my real name, not Amelia. "Running away." I remember saying. I can't remember why I admitted such a thing. "Why?" His voice was soft, calming, enticing. "I wanted a new life. A life where I could be good." I cried out, pain radiating my whole body. Nothing has been right since I started hunting... since that night at the party. "And you're not now?" I shake my head in response. "You get some rest, I'll check on you soon. I'll be back with food."
I can't remember the interlude between that conversation and an extremely worried Dean striding through the room to me, immediately pulling me in for a tight hug. I was frail, he could see that, so where he'd usually yell at me, warn me that dad would be pissed, he doesn't. He just holds me and waits for me to speak. I remember noticing the lack of Sam's presence, and then crying my eyes out. I betrayed them, I was weak, I showed weakness and probably got someone hurt in a hunt or made it so someone couldn't be saved. Dean didn't say anything to me about it, didn't question it. He just let me cry and sleep in his arms while yelling at Dad to leave me alone and encouraging Sam to come see me until the doctors saw me fit to leave. I knew I wanted to become a doctor that day, to help others in a bad place like I was. I swore to myself that day, that I'd never let myself get to that place again. And yet... here I was...

"The case will still be here when we get back." I hear Sam argue as I fly back into the room. They haven't noticed me yet.

"I hear you, Sam. But Mia needs her space right-"

"Boys." I say quietly, cutting them off. "I think it's time we talked."