Big Ben Strikes The Eleventh Hour (Wholock)

John Watson: Taking Confused To A New Level

John watched the Doctor run around the control panel, flipping switches and pulling levers, seemingly at random. I t looked a little difficult, and also like a big job for one person. John wondered if the Doctor was actually supposed to use it on his own, or if there was actually multiple people that were supposed to work this machine.

"John," Sherlock said, effectively startling John out of his thoughts and wondering. He shook himself and looked up at his friend.

"Yes?" he asked expectantly. However, what Sherlock said next was anything but expected. 

"Are you an alien?" Sherlock asked, looking John straight in the eye. John blinked, taken aback.

"W-What?" John asked when Sherlock neither explained or written his question off as joking. "Sherlock, you LIVE with me!"

"The Doctor says that you might be an alien," Sherlock told him, explaining pretty much nothing.

"You're a detective and my best friend!" John nearly yelled at him. "Look how long I've known you! Do you think I'm an alien?!?"

Sherlock frowned at him. "That's not a no..."

"I'm not a bloody alien!" John hissed.

"Hmm," Sherlock replied. "Will you explain why the disease didn't hurt you then?"

"How the hell am I suppose to know?!?" John finally yelled. "I'm not smart like you! I HAVE NO BLOODY IDEA WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON!"

"Still pleading innocent..."

"Okay, NOW I know you're messing with me, arsehole!"

"Wait, John's an alien?" Rory butted in, looking confused.

"I AM NOT!" John roared at him.

"Correction: he might be," Sherlock disagreed. "That's what I'm trying to figure out."

"Well, couldn't you just ask the Doctor?" Rory asked, confused. "He should be able to figure it out, right?"

"Oh, we don't need his help," Sherlock huffed, but looked over to the Doctor anyway.

The Doctor looked slightly surprised at being dragged into the argument. He had been leaning on his elbows, watching John and Sherlock like a hawk. Amy sighed.

"Doctor, this isn't some reality T.V show for you to watch," she told him sternly. The Doctor shrugged.

"Fine, fine," he told her. "And also, yes, there is a way to figure this out."

"Fine," John replied. "Do what you have to do. I am not an alien."

"He isn't," Sherlock cut in.

"Oh, now you agree with me?" John yelled at him. Sherlock shrugged.

"You had all the telltale signs of an innocent,"  Sherlock answered simply. John rolled his eyes.

"Oh, of course you need a bloody test," John muttered under his breath. "Even though I'm your best friend."

Sherlock seemed to have heard him, though.

"Oh, sure," he replied snootily. "Well, tell me, how do the normal people do it?"

"We trust our friends!" John hissed at him. The Doctor paused his bustling around. The tea was getting hot.

"Considering both our lines of work, I would have thought that we'd know that it would be rather hard to do that," Sherlock told him.

"What we do has nothing to do with it," John told him. "All that matters is our bloody human decency."

"Something which neither of us have," Sherlock told him. John glared at him.

"Hi," the Doctor interrupted the two. "Feel like I should step in right about now."

John turned to him. "What do we need to do?"

"Just stand there," the Doctor told him. He went to get a thing from a drawer that appeared from basically nowhere. It looked like a cross between a magnifying glass and a hammer, if that was even possible.

"So, John," the Doctor said. "Just look through this Oplitfyer right here with you left eye, then your right one."

"Oh," John said, confused. "I thought, that you would scan me, or something."

"Just... don't question it," Rory advised him. John nodded.

"Alright," John said. He went through the motions the Doctor told him to, and the process took only a few seconds. When it was finished, the Doctor stared at the results blankly. John bit his lip, growing anxious.

"What does it say?" John eventually asked.

"...John, it says you're an alien."